I Don't Know Me

I often wonder who I am. If this is it or if there's something more.

If I'll always be scared by silly things.

Will I always care what people think? Does that get less with age? In which case, hurry up 30...

I have no idea what I'm doing.
No plans.
No goals.
No real aims..

Maybe a few..I know I want to be happy. I mean I am happy but I could be happier..

I kind of want freedom. To float through life.

Then I don't. I want to be like others. I want to work under someone else, have the safety of someone above telling me what to do. Somebody paying my wage and I come and go everyday as and when I have to.

Other days I'm glad I don't have that right now. Sometimes it's hard and too much for my head.

I'm still trapped a little.

By social anxiety.
By the fear of blushing.
By anxiety full stop. Any kind.

I keep telling myself I could be other things. But I can't really. I don't have that ambition. That drive or motivation.

I feel like I let my kids down. I always tell them to 'be themselves.'

Although to be fair, I'm not sure who myself is.

I can't be this can I? Scared. Irrational. Anxious. Disorganised. Sad. Snappy. Constantly overthinking. Trapped.

I know I have good and so with that I suppose you need the bad too?
I am kind. I am loyal to those who I befriend. I am an introvert but I also open up and enjoy socialising with a small handful of friends.

God I can hear 'get over yourself' already and I know whose voice it is. (It isn't mine)

Although I do tell myself to be quiet, to be kind to myself and to be thankful.

Who am I? Who are you? Really.
Truly.

How do you begin to even find out?