I Need to be a Kinder Person...To Myself

I can't lie. I've been having a rough time with my mental health. I hate admitting it but I have to get it out. I understand now that I've just finally arrived at this place where I was always going to end up but always managed to find a way to avoid getting here directly. My destination is probably wonderful. I think it's happiness and freedom, well, almost freedom from social anxiety. What's in front of me is a bloody great big wall of all the things that is my social anxiety. All the current feelings, all the fears, every bully, every laugh, whisper, shout and every broken piece of me. That's what the wall is. It's friggin huge, Trump could use it but I'd rather he didn't have a wall...

I digress completely, I'm not entirely comfortable talking about where I am mentally because I know what steps I need to take without anyone telling me but.. I. Just. Can't.

The most frustrating thing is trying to convince myself seeing my gp is a good idea. Unfortunately my lovely, decent, helpful gp has left the surgery and in her place? A locum who wants to get me off my medicine and stick a coil up my lady garden despite my appointments being nothing to do with coming off citolopram or birth control because I'm quite happy, thank you very much. I don't even know her name to refuse her and see someone else. A real kick in the teeth for someone with social anxiety disorder.

I've been really beating myself up. I've found myself losing motivation, my thoughts consumed with the next steps because now the children are in full time education and now my husband is getting a job he'll love it's on everyone's agenda to 'find me something to do.' I get asked by family, by strangers, by my dentist what I do and I feel so guilty and ashamed. I'm not anything! I'm a blob! I'm not a stay at home mum, I'm just a woman staying at home scared shitless of stepping out in the big wide world. It's so much more than just nerves. Put yourself in a box and picture yourself with or being made to do your worst fear. Horrible.

The thing is I would never give someone else this much grief. I think I feel useless and lazy almost everyday. I feel fatter and less of everything every day. But I'm so trapped. I can't even do 'baby steps' because I'm not sure there are any more to take! I'm aware I need some help, some proper help with my social anxiety because it's very deep rooted and mainly related to blushing. Every time I'm in a social situation I'm not comfortable with I blush and with every blush yet another piece of me falls away. One day I fear there will be none of the real me left...

I wish I could be free of mental illness. Of the up and down moods, of the panic, of the social anxiety and bury it all, including the painful memories. Something has to be done. I'm not really interested in much, some days I am don't get me wrong but mostly I prefer my own company and I've taken to going back to bed in the day to avoid comfort eating only to eat loads of an evening. Vicious circles hey?

I'm pretty certain there are many people who will relate to this post and I'm sorry if you are feeling similar. It's good to get things out there and I'm not really ashamed of struggling, it's just hard to admit, especially when you actually have a wonderfully fulfilling life that you are incredibly thankful for and appreciative of. That makes it harder sometimes you know.

Much love and strength to you all X

Cupcake Mumma