Lost Groove. If Found Please Return To...

I remember when I lost myself. Or my 'groove' or whatever it is I'm missing, I think it was after I left the countryside with my 3 year old daughter and my soon to be husband. I was pregnant with little A at the time and the need to live near town was becoming essential, so we looked. We searched high and low to find someone who would house us and we did.

With heads filled with excitement we visited the flat we were to move into. It wasn't fantastic but it was a flat. Besides, it almost felt like we didn't have a choice. We needed to live near town, we needed Jay to find work so we took the house. Pretty much straight away we discovered we had a very unfriendly neighbour above us. He made life hell with his parties and loud music, chucking bottles and cigarettes out the window. This is when my anxiety hit the highest point it has ever reached and has not left me since, in some shape or form.

The memories those nights brought back made me feel ill. The noise was unbearable. I had dreams or maybe visions of things I'm not proud of. We only lasted a month or so in the place before moving on to a new house (unknowingly) behind a bloody nightclub! The stress continued long after I had my son until we fought for closure of the club.

That's where I lost myself. I found myself now and again but ultimately I have never been the same partner, parent or person since we left my comforting surroundings and freedom. We are in a lovely house now since moving again and there is some fresh air and green fields to indulge myself and more than anything everything is just better.

How do I find myself again? I have this idea in my head of this person I want to be and it isn't unrealistic or un-achievable . I just feel stuck. A prisoner locked inside social anxiety. Desperate to break out but just so afraid. There isn't any more talking to be done. It's time for grabbing life by the balls before I peg it. Before I'm an old lady full of regrets and sadness. That's how it feels anyway.

I want to have some friends in 2014 and I want to learn to do new things while I can and while I don't have to fork out loads of cash to do it (here's looking at you college) but first, baby steps. I'm thinking I need to look into a toddler group, I need my faith right now so if I can, if I can really build the courage, this Sunday I will go back to my Church. I will also be picking a fellow bloggers brains on yoga too and see what can be done to get me on the right track: To get my Groove back!



Cupcake Mumma