Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Lost Groove. If Found Please Return To...

I remember when I lost myself. Or my 'groove' or whatever it is I'm missing, I think it was after I left the countryside with my 3 year old daughter and my soon to be husband. I was pregnant with little A at the time and the need to live near town was becoming essential, so we looked. We searched high and low to find someone who would house us and we did.

With heads filled with excitement we visited the flat we were to move into. It wasn't fantastic but it was a flat. Besides, it almost felt like we didn't have a choice. We needed to live near town, we needed Jay to find work so we took the house. Pretty much straight away we discovered we had a very unfriendly neighbour above us. He made life hell with his parties and loud music, chucking bottles and cigarettes out the window. This is when my anxiety hit the highest point it has ever reached and has not left me since, in some shape or form.

The memories those nights brought back made me feel ill. The noise was unbearable. I had dreams or maybe visions of things I'm not proud of. We only lasted a month or so in the place before moving on to a new house (unknowingly) behind a bloody nightclub! The stress continued long after I had my son until we fought for closure of the club.

That's where I lost myself. I found myself now and again but ultimately I have never been the same partner, parent or person since we left my comforting surroundings and freedom. We are in a lovely house now since moving again and there is some fresh air and green fields to indulge myself and more than anything everything is just better.

How do I find myself again? I have this idea in my head of this person I want to be and it isn't unrealistic or un-achievable . I just feel stuck. A prisoner locked inside social anxiety. Desperate to break out but just so afraid. There isn't any more talking to be done. It's time for grabbing life by the balls before I peg it. Before I'm an old lady full of regrets and sadness. That's how it feels anyway.

I want to have some friends in 2014 and I want to learn to do new things while I can and while I don't have to fork out loads of cash to do it (here's looking at you college) but first, baby steps. I'm thinking I need to look into a toddler group, I need my faith right now so if I can, if I can really build the courage, this Sunday I will go back to my Church. I will also be picking a fellow bloggers brains on yoga too and see what can be done to get me on the right track: To get my Groove back!

groovinggrabbadge

Cupcake Mumma

7 comments:

  1. Such an honest post. I've had noisy neighbours too, and the distraction, the lack of peace and quiet and the stress of it all can really affect your life. In the end I ended up on prescription sleeping pills. (Thankfully it was pre-children). I love the way that you've identified some positive steps to move forward. Does your church have a toddler playgroup? Mine does and it's really lovely. Good luck. x

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    1. Thank-you for a such a lovely reply, it really means a lot! I hadn't thought of looking into a toddler group with the church. Thank-you for putting the idea in my head, i'll look tomorrow! Thank-you again xx

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  2. I love this post. You have had some rotten times and they have taken their toll. That toll does not need to be permanent. In a way, this post reminded me of my very first groovy mums post way back when. Will find a link to it for you so you can see that things do change and for the better. Yes, we are going through a current crisis but I know I am far better equipped to deal with it than I was back then. I did not go to a toddler group until 10 years after becoming a parent. I was terrified but it helped put me back together again after the loss of my Mum and even though I moved areas, I retain online friends from those days. You can do this! If it helps, I will be there for you every step of the way.

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  3. Good luck. It may only seem like a baby step but going to any sort of organised group is a big achievement.

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  4. Oh hun I know exactly how you feel- what a true, honest post this is, and it really reflects on how I feel. When we had J I moved to the other side of the county borough to be with Mike and that's when my anxieties flared up and haven't left. The biggest one for me is parental guilt- am I good mother? I need constant reassurance. You're not alone lovely, i'm always here if you need me. xx

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  5. What an honest post, wishing you the best of luck. I love the toddler group that I go to and I've made some good friends, but it does take a long time to really get settled in one. I've never tried yoga but I think it could really help with relaxation and mindfulness.

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  6. What an honest, open post. It brought back memories for me of the early days with Curly Girl in China when I was suffering with post natal depression. Good for you for picking yourself up and putting together a plan to get your groove back. Toddler Groups are a wonderful way to make friends locally - it definitely helped me to find myself again. Good luck! x

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