Suffering from Trauma after Bullying

That sounds extreme doesn't it? I never thought anyone could be bullied and suffer 'trauma' either some time after or, as is the case with me, years after. See, I've been seeing a wonderful therapist who is going through CBT with me, teaching me about my social anxiety, my fear of blushing and slowly taking apart the reasons why I've struggled so much over the years with these problems.

Today was a tough session. For the first time ever I sat there and spoke about what happened in school when i was a teenager. What happened in the corridors, in the classroom, on the school bus. It hurt. It really, bloody hurt. I said I had these memories, that I can remember everything and almost every time these bullies said something, who they were and where we were, what I wore and what I was doing at the time. Normally nothing to be fair, just paying attention and minding my own business, trying to get a damn education.

So through the digging and the asking of questions my therapist looked up at me. He doesn't agree these are memories. They are so much more than that. I used the word 'flashbacks' and that's when he said this isn't just bad memories, this is trauma. 

When I think of trauma I think of women who have awful births, of people who have fought wars, killed people, seen awful things in dangerous countries, of people who have come close to death in a terrible accident. Not a 26 year old woman with a good life who is a bit socially anxious and has a past, like so many people, of being bullied. 

But then I thought about it. Of course it's bloody traumatic. You're 14 years old and you're scared of going to school because you're going to be humiliated (another key word we pulled out today that has so much meaning going forward) I would spend drama lessons, English lessons, french presentations anything I felt threatened by really. locked in a girls toilet cubicles. I would pray to be invisible, or for one of the boys to get sick. I just wanted to study. I just wanted to have a laugh. I just wanted to be left alone.

Those bullies had a massive impact on my teenage years. I hated myself, I really, really did and what I live with now is the mind of a scared, anxious 14 year old girl, traumatised by being humiliated in front of classes of 29 other children, on a bus where there are no exits until you or them get off. It still sounds a bit lame to say I was 'traumatised by bullying' but how many young people have taken their lives because of bullying? How truly awful does it feel to be bullied? Bloody awful I can tell you. Some people change themselves, some people don't let the bad guys win, they keep moving forward and they don't hide away. Some people are like me, they hide and they run and they avoid. They relive those moments despite them being so, so long ago they are more than memories and they continue to make you feel bad, weak, scared, anxious and worthless. To not bother trying because why would I want to humiliate myself!?

Something I came up with today was a little chant to say to myself when I struggle to walk pass teens, when I get nervous in the street, at appointments and hopefully when I meet up with people for coffee, meetings and in the future, work:

You are 26 not 14.

I am 26 and not 14. I am a woman, a wife and a mother to two young children. I have conquered fears like spiders, literally climbed a mountain, travelled trains on my own, met people I've never met before and now call friends. I'm sure as hell going to kick the shit out of this too. It won't be easy, reliving moments of intense humiliation and self hate is horrible but I will find a way to deal with it all. I will have a life, it's been too long.

I am 26 not 14. 

I am 26 not 14.

Just Waffling...

I've been a little quiet lately. A part from catching up every week with our goings on I've not really put much else out there. It's okay, I'm not worried about the lack of blog posts going up, I stopped being one of *those* bloggers a long time ago. I have missed blogging though. The truth is I haven't been feeling myself. I haven't wanted to do much at all, especially the things that I enjoy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, I've been depressed and this, at least for me, isn't that. Nothing bad has happened, we are all well. Well, I'm a little unwell but I have to wait 2 weeks to see my doctor and even then it's probably nothing. I'm not even unwell actually, just a niggling thing that is worrying me so I want to have my mind put at rest which is no bad thing.

I'm just a little low. I've adjusted to A being in school now and he's idoing well. Midge hasn't changed at all, she hasn't suddenly become miss independent, she still very much needs me. I'm used to being on my own a lot more and it's okay. The days go really fast still though, I find that weird. What I'm actually doing is not facing my problems. For whatever reason I am shutting myself away and not dealing with anything.

I'm not dealing with my weight gain despite feeling like a big pile of yuck. Sure you look at me in the street and you'd say "you're tiny you've got nothing to worry about!" (Don't say that to me, I really won't like you very much) but underneath I just feel yuck. I don't feel attractive, yet here I am in the afternoon writing this, thinking this and not exercising, not doing anything remotely good in the direction of helping myself. I'm unfit, I'm not particularly healthy and really need to sort myself out.

Secondly I've come to that point that I know people wonder what the heck I do all day. The answer? Not a lot. I get to keep on top of the housework like every other parent, I get to de clutter, then I sit on my bum or run a few errands. Am I bored? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should take advantage of this time, I'll be working one day and I won't have all this free time. The house will be hard to keep with, the out going mail will be piled up, the day will fly by and I just won't be so free, so why not be a bit lazy! Why not enjoy this luxury for a little while? Sod what everyone else thinks.

I do want to do *something* though. I've decided I need to see if some form of therapy, such as CBT will help me overcome my blushing fears and anxiety. Anxiety wise I am not the same person I was a few years ago. I am more confident but when it comes to meeting up with people, or even the thought of volunteering, being interviewed, having to work it's too much. It's overwhelming and hard to explain and I need to deal with it because I can't keep up anymore. I have missed so much because of blushing and you can't avoid work forever, I wouldn't want to. I am hard working, loyal, a good person, I have strengths and weaknesses. I may have no experiences other than personal ones but that's okay. It's why I need to volunteer though, I want to get confident and I want to learn. I want to have a routine and be appreciated. May be that last one is a bit far fetched, I wonder how many people actually feel appreciated in their job!?

Anyway, that's why I've been quiet. Things 'upstairs' have been busy, pre occupied and lost. I know I have the answers, I know I need to fix things myself and it's my job to do that. I'll let you know how I get on (when I eventually get out from my sons Thomas duvet on the sofa)

Cupcake Mumma

*this post has been added to my mental health page here.

Lowering the Dose Part 4

I think I've been off my medication for over 2 months now. Wow that went fast. I've had a panic attack, I've gone to Bath with my daughter dealing with a lot of high anxiety type stuff (for me) lots of people, catching trains on time, having the right tickets, being on the right train, navigating stations but I've done it. I took my pills away with me incase I got so badly anxious away from home I could chuck one a day and then go back off them when I returned..I am aware of that poor thinking but I must point out I went with the flow. I didn't need those tablets and I haven't needed them since.

However, over the last couple days I have reached my first real challenge. I feel lonely, frustrated, tired and fed up. I've had a long week of sickness bugs (including myself) which left me physically shattered for far longer than anyone else (always the way! I rarely get ill so when I do I find it takes me a little longer to get back to normal running) my mind is overrun with appointments to keep and make regarding Little A and the school chuck more items to add to my calendar. My family are away this weekend but because we have a choice between saving for Christmas and summer holiday activities (by that I don't mean holidays I literally mean little days out and activities) we couldn't afford to go. It stings a little but it's only because I know how beautiful, peaceful and warming it is up there.

You get things happen that are a big deal and then you get these things that are nothing major but they weigh you down. I have some other things going on of course, I'm at this point where I want to change things, where my excessive blushing and fear of doing so has caused so much pain and damage to me psychologically and socially that I want to fight back. I guess as much as I want to it scares the hell out of me and I've found myself in a rather dark place over the last week or so. The theory is to not care anymore, but that's just not easy in practice. I think next week I will see if I can get some therapy for social anxiety with a target on the blushing and erythrophobia (fear of going red) or maybe I'll grow a pair by Monday and start kicking ass anyway!

I'm going to link to my past posts as this is very much part of my Lowering the Dose journey. It's the first real low mood I've had and it's challenging but I know I can overcome it, after all, I brought a spade this time, I can see the light already...

Lowering the Dose Part 1

Lowering the Dose Part 2

Lowering the Dose Part 3

Cupcake Mumma

Striking Mums- We're all Different

Kate has been taking a number of fellow mums through a striking mums journey. I have been reading her posts, I have been viewing the link ups of fellow bloggers and leaving comments when I have managed to. As you can see this is my first post for Striking Mums, for some reason over the last few weeks I just haven't been able to put into words how I feel about certain topics and questions. They've all been very inspiring posts that Kate has written and I decided to think more privately but now my blogging mojo has returned, I'm ready to join Kate and the other wonderful mothers. I start with Kate's questions on being different.

1. Are you different and, if so, how?

I'm one of these people that believe we are all very different. We are all here for a reason. I'm included in that. I can't tell you my reason, not accurately but I'm different in that I am a lot, lot more sensitive than a lot of people and I look at the story behind a person. I think a lot before I speak, before I act and I always want to make people feel better. I'm not perfect and especially with my family I can be bad tempered and quick to snap. My difference is my reason to be here, to help people in some way. I'm sure one day it'll maybe become a career.

2. Do you celebrate your uniqueness or strive to fit in?

I suppose I celebrate it in a way. I love to share random acts of kindness and tend to show what I've done in regards to that. Not for the self gratification but in the hope I can inspire further acts of kindness. Otherwise I don't really. I hate that I'm super sensitive, I don't particularly like that I'm an introvert and never go to my husbands football team get togethers despite them all being lovely people. But I can't change, really I can't. There's a block there and in some moments I kind of realise I wouldn't want to be very social. I love that I seek joy in a hot chocolate, a large duvet and a phone call/DVD reading or letter writing.

3. Are you ever judgemental of other mums who are different from you? Answer honestly even if only in your own head.

In general I am not someone who severely judges another person.
If you know me in person you would know I have a thing for a group of mothers at school. I don't dislike them, in fact I do not know them but they do not let many penetrate their tight knit group, they come across as rude and fairly self indulged. I have made judgments on those mothers and I have no doubt in my mind they have their own towards me and all the other mothers they won't look at let alone speak to. I'm sure they are very nice people, but perhaps I am not one of 'their' people.

4. What would you like to be different about you?

I'd like to take things to heart less, it's incredibly frustrating and draining but I don't really know how to not be affected by other people's words. I also worry that I would lose a part of myself and be less caring and understanding.

5. Have you ever being attacked or bullied for being different? How did that affect you?

The biggest difference I have and always have had is a physical difference. I've written before about excessive blushing, it's very painful for me and my bullying started at 9 years old. I was made to feel uncomfortable in my first two years at secondary and was bullied again at age 14 which started off a very rebellious phase for me, hiding my anxieties and acting out. I guess I gave myself a false confidence and in a bad way. I didn't use it for my education that's for sure! It has affected me to this day and whilst I have done things I am incredibly proud of there are loads of things I can't do because I'm just too scared.

6. If you had to write an advert for yourself as a limited edition ,what would you say to make people think you were great?

Like everyone else I don't feel I can find any words to answer this question! It's much easier to hear great things from your loved ones and friends but to 'big yourself up' feels some what difficult, I wonder why that is?

Please join Kate and Striking Mums here: