Some Days are Just Hard

Actually it's not some days at the moment it's some weeks. Little A hasn't been sleeping too great, I'm coping with the lack of sleep, I've managed to work out 3 times this week so far and eat well too. I've been trying to keep positive for my husband who isn't happy at work and wants a new job but can't find one that he can be sure is permanent. Little A's sleep isn't awful, it's actually better than its ever been, there aren't anymore night terrors, there's no random screaming, no head banging, I'm not sure why I'm moaning to be honest! Still, it's broken sleep and school are noticing it,

They're also noticing some of his sensory processing difficulties of late which are made worse by him feeling tired. He's less able to tolerate the things he's been doing well with. This morning I went through 5 pairs of socks before he was happy to pop his shoes on. Yesterday I tried 3 different shoes. I've had problems with his trousers. School have noticed they seem 'too small in the leg'. I have several pairs at home, they are 4-5 that fall down even with the waist taken in. I have several pairs that caused him massive upset because the fabric felt like it was scratching the life out of his skin (nylon I think) Now, he fits a 3-4 but of course the legs are too short. What can I do? What can I bloody do? 

Midge has been anxious at school. She doesn't like answering questions in front of people. I suffer from social anxiety disorder, I have to fight everyday to speak to people at the moment and the instinct to pick her up and hide her away so she doesn't feel that anxiety is overwhelming. Of course, the sooner she gets used to answering these questions in her small reading groups the better. I spent most of my teenage years bunking off any presentations, I really don't want Midge to be so afraid. Her teacher seemed to understand, poor Midge feels as though her teachers are cross with her and she even asked me to home school her! Taking her away from the situation won't help; I've spent so long avoiding my fear of talking to people I am basically stuck in my house, feeling sad, lonely, sometimes content though, definitely safe but like I'm wasting everything.

I don't know what this post is. Actually I do, there was a time I'd record everything on this blog because it was for me and I'm going to go back that. Blogging as therapy as they say. 

You are Not Alone This Christmas:

Christmas can be a hard time for a lot of people. Some people are all alone, some may be surrounded by loved ones but feel so very lonely. Some people are struggling with money problems which cause them great stress, anxiety and even depression. There really is a hundred reasons why someone may feel lonely, isolated, depressed or even suicidal which can feel more intense at this time of year.

I want to let you know, that no matter how low you feel you are not alone. There is always somewhere to turn, please don't isolate yourself, please don't give in to overwhelming thoughts and feelings. Below there is a list of numbers that I will be leaving up over the festive period. Please, please use these numbers and websites to contact someone if you feel you need to.

All m love this Christmas and always,

Hannah

(Cupcake Mumma x)

MIND

Website www.mind.org.uk

Tel No 0300 123 3393


Samaritans

Website www.samaritans.org

Tel No 116 123


Alcoholics Anonymous

Tel No 0800 9177650

Stonewall

Website www.stonewall.org.uk

Info line 08000 50 20 20

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

Tel No 0207 837 7324

SANELine

Website www.sane.org.uk

Tel No 0300 304 7000

Papyrus, Prevention of young suicide

Website www.papyrus-uk.org

National self-help body for the Transgender community 

Beaumont Society

Website http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk

Information Line 01582 412220

Childline

Website www.childline.org.uk

0800 1111

Depression Alliance

Website www.depressionalliance.org



Refuge

Website www.refuge.org.uk

Tel No 0808 2000 247

Beat

Beating eating disorders.

Website https://www.b-eat.co.uk

Help line 0345 634 1414
Youth Line 0345 634 7650

Shelter

Website www.shelter.org.uk
Tel No 0808 800 4444

NHS Direct

1111

No Panic

Website http://www.nopanic.org.uk

Tel No 0844 967 4848
youth helpline 01753 840393


Cry-Sis (support to parents with excessive crying, demanding and sleepless babies)

Website http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/
08451 228 669

Dear So and So...

Dear Mind,

So things have taken a turn. I've not been pleasant to be around, so much so my daughter has told me I'm always grumpy and my husband has told me he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore. I cannot lie, my heart broke a bit both these times. Whilst I have been off my medication for only a month I have worked hard to keep myself 'up', clearly I thought I was working harder than I actually was. I am deeply frustrated to be given so much in life and yet still be plagued by lonely and unhappy thoughts when I have such a lovely, stable, healthy, happy life. There really is nothing to be sad about. I am trying hard not to hate you right now and focus on the positives: I can see I need help. I am going to get that help again and I am going to set a new goal for October when the children are both in full time school. I'm now wondering if this should be 'Dear Depression' rather than 'Dear Mind' because I want to end with this: I will kick your ass.

Yours, Determined.

Dear, Mr B and my Beautiful Children,

I am deeply sorry for being angry, bad tempered, inpatient and emotional. For making one or all of you feel bad. Thank you for being there, thank you for your honesty. I am a very lucky girl.

Xxxx

Dear Mum,

Thank you for letting me stay over your house on Friday night. I love where you live, right by the sea. My head is clearer and you are not just my Mother but my best friend too. Not many people get that balance right but I love you, respect you and love being around you. I know you don't need thanks for this but I'm saying it anyway, thank you.

Hannah-Leigh xxxx

Dear Readers,

As usual thank you so much for reading. Thank you to the bloggers who have been so kind this week when I was nervous about my silly tooth being taken out! Thank you to the people who have probably unknowingly made me smile this week. Please link up your letters with Michelle by following the badge below.

Cupcake Mumma

Lowering the Dose Part 4

I think I've been off my medication for over 2 months now. Wow that went fast. I've had a panic attack, I've gone to Bath with my daughter dealing with a lot of high anxiety type stuff (for me) lots of people, catching trains on time, having the right tickets, being on the right train, navigating stations but I've done it. I took my pills away with me incase I got so badly anxious away from home I could chuck one a day and then go back off them when I returned..I am aware of that poor thinking but I must point out I went with the flow. I didn't need those tablets and I haven't needed them since.

However, over the last couple days I have reached my first real challenge. I feel lonely, frustrated, tired and fed up. I've had a long week of sickness bugs (including myself) which left me physically shattered for far longer than anyone else (always the way! I rarely get ill so when I do I find it takes me a little longer to get back to normal running) my mind is overrun with appointments to keep and make regarding Little A and the school chuck more items to add to my calendar. My family are away this weekend but because we have a choice between saving for Christmas and summer holiday activities (by that I don't mean holidays I literally mean little days out and activities) we couldn't afford to go. It stings a little but it's only because I know how beautiful, peaceful and warming it is up there.

You get things happen that are a big deal and then you get these things that are nothing major but they weigh you down. I have some other things going on of course, I'm at this point where I want to change things, where my excessive blushing and fear of doing so has caused so much pain and damage to me psychologically and socially that I want to fight back. I guess as much as I want to it scares the hell out of me and I've found myself in a rather dark place over the last week or so. The theory is to not care anymore, but that's just not easy in practice. I think next week I will see if I can get some therapy for social anxiety with a target on the blushing and erythrophobia (fear of going red) or maybe I'll grow a pair by Monday and start kicking ass anyway!

I'm going to link to my past posts as this is very much part of my Lowering the Dose journey. It's the first real low mood I've had and it's challenging but I know I can overcome it, after all, I brought a spade this time, I can see the light already...

Lowering the Dose Part 1

Lowering the Dose Part 2

Lowering the Dose Part 3

Cupcake Mumma

Lowering the Dose Part 3

So it's been about 4 weeks since I first visited my GP and started my journey to come off my medication for low mood and anxiety. I started by completely lowering the dose and this has been my first week where I have not taken a single tablet. It was decided by both myself and my doctor on Monday that now was as good a time as any to leave the medication behind (based on already missing days on my lowered dose and managing well).

How do I feel? Well it's been challenging that's for sure. I'm not sure how long it takes to start feeling a bit more 'normal' after being on medication for such a long period of time (4 years may not sound long to some people but it really is) I have experienced mood swings and have been quite angry too which isn't nice at all but I'm assured its quite common to feel this way and it won't last for too long. I'll get back to you guys at a later date to let you know how I'm getting on!

I do feel good though. I feel positive that I'm doing the right thing at the right time. Anything that is making me anxious or feel low right now cannot be helped with medication, only positive steps and moving forward. I can't lie, it feels difficult but I know it'll get better. I'm having a tough time with Little A at the moment and its led me to doubt my decision which is nuts because regardless of whether I am on medication or not he can have periods of time that are pretty tough to deal with like most pre schoolers!

I'm hoping in a few weeks I will be used to not relying on the tablets being there when I feel like I need them which is how it has been for months, I really don't need to be on them anymore. I hope I have even more belief in myself and mainly that all these emotions I'm feeling and the bad temper I'm experiencing will have disappeared. I think that's the worse part for me!

* I've been reducing my tablets for anxiety and low mood with advice and support from my GP. If you feel it's time to stop or to lower your medication then I wish you all the best but please seek advice and remember, if you really don't feel right then go back to your GP and talk it through. There are no prizes for struggling through and suffering alone, so do keep talking, be kind to yourself and of course, let me know how you're getting on if you wish to share your thoughts!

Other posts on Lowering the Dose:

Lowering the Dose Part 1

Lowering the Dose Part 2

Are these posts helpful? Let me know in the comments below.

Cupcake Mumma

A-Z Challenge: R

R is for Rescue Remedy!


If you've never heard of this stuff and suffer with nerves, anxiety or just bouts of being a bit more worried than usual then I really recommend Rescue Remedy!

I suffer with Social and General Anxiety disorder. I take a low dose of medication but time and time again I come back to Rescue Remedy, especially when it comes to my nerves! It's a herbal remedy with brandy which can taste pretty strong to someone like me who doesn't drink at all!

Rescue Remedy gets dropped in my drink when I go out and am facing an appointment I'm a bit nervous about. If I'm at home and have an out of a blue anxiety attack I'll drop a few drops under my tongue which will help calm me down in 10 minutes or so.

It's horrible living with a very sensitive nervous system and anxiety can just be awfully crippling. I'd always recommend this stuff to anyone. Maybe it doesn't work at all but I'm sure it does!

CupcakeMumma

Struggling to Strike Out

Kate has returned with her fabulous link up Striking Mums which really does bring us Mums together despite our very different journeys and different needs of support. Although I didn't participate much last year because of well, I'm not actually sure why, but I hope to be more involved this year anyway.

As the title says I'm struggling. I have so very much to be thankful for and believe me I am thankful everyday, but at the moment I just can't pick myself up. I keep drifting off thinking about the person and parent I used to be and disliking the one I am today. I am always tired. I am lazy. I am selfish in that I prefer to do my things than do the things my children find fun. I hardly bake. I feel the pressure of my children growing and knowing soon they will be there in school and I will be all alone and need to fill my time but I am too anxious to volunteer or get a job. I am gaining weight so quick and have no motivation to lose it yet hate the feeling of carrying this bloated body around.

January has floored me to be honest. My daughters birthday was a lovely occasion, my husband's family breakfast on his birthday was lovely. Seeing some friends this month was nice and happy mail has kept me going but I have day after day after day of pain or discomfort for 3 weeks now since the dentist did work on one tooth. It grinds you down feeling like this. I feel totally unappreciated at home and I am so sick of the bloody school runs, the same roads, the same battles with the toddler, the same parents I am invisible to day in day out.

Usually when I write these posts I like to inspire others but this time I have nothing to give. I always bounce back from dark moments and this moment will be no exception. Sorry I'm not so striking this week xx

Accepting my Mental Health and Need for Medication

Three weeks ago I noticed how I just wasn't myself anymore. My husband couldn't work out why until he asked me "are you still taking your tablets?"

No. No I wasn't and I didn't want to. I had spent at least 2 weeks with a smile on my face and feeling pretty good. Prior to that I had been forgetting to take them and as I felt okay I made the rather foolish decision to stop taking them. Maybe I can be normal again? I thought. Fast forward a week and I'm overthinking, anxious about play groups, about ordering my costa, about bumping into people I know. I don't want to leave the house, I'm tired, angry, sad and more than anything so frustrated at myself.

After a brief online conversation I was made to realise that needing my tablets was OK. That so many people out there need their medication to feel normal and I am one of them. Accepting that is no bad thing. I'm very thankful for that conversation because it made me realise something. If I had high blood pressure, asthma, diabetes or a physical illness then i'd take my medication and I wouldn't screw around with it because it would be helping me. So now I will do the same with the tablets which are helping my mental health. They balance the chemicals, they help my anxiety which in turns help me to feel happier and well.

The Prompt: Reflection

I haven't joined in with Sara's link up for some time, I just don't seem to be able to use my brain effectively at the moment! This weeks prompt was great because I could draw from recent experiences.

Reflection

I've been thinking a lot about my personal journey with anxiety recently and how far I've come, how much I've changed. I used to not be able to pick up a telephone, pay for my own items at a check out. I certainly would not have gone out and met people, attended toddler groups and other various challenging situations.

I've noticed just how different I am now and that I really need to let go of a lot of fears and worries I hold close. Fears of being mocked and stared at whenever I open my mouth for example! It was proved to me just last week at my Mamas Retreat that I can speak in front of people and I won't be laughed at, not taken seriously and mocked. Why I hold onto these thoughts I will never know. Proof perhaps that bullying is an incredibly powerful act to inflict on someone because it stays with you for a long time, years in my case, and if I don't continue to fight my own insecurities; for life. Powerful stuff.

It was even revealed to me as I spoke in front of 11 other women that I don't even blush! What!? My face twitches and feels as though it's on fire. How the heck can I not be blushing? But I believe these women, especially several who are now wonderful friends. They wouldn't lie to me. I only refused to believe my husband because he loves me, he would say anything to make me feel better.

I'm not sure where I go from here. Without seeing myself not blush it's hard to believe it's not happening. Can I really convince myself!? If I can, my life and myself will be so different I'm sure of it.

So there's me rambling and reflecting on me and last week. Do you have any experience of this? I'd love to hear from you!

Cupcake Mumma

Ten Things to Smile About January

January has come to an end already and a part from a severe lack of sleep thanks to sleep disturbance and night terrors, 2014 couldn't have kicked off better for us. Here's 10 things that have brightened my January:

1. Midges birthday. She turned six this month and something seems to have changed in her already. We all had a lovely day getting pampered and enjoying a little party at home.

2. Jay turned 24. We had a relaxed day and he even got the day off work which was an added bonus. We had a chip shop tea as a treat and on Saturday we celebrated with his friends at a local football club.

3. I hate going to social gatherings but managed to overcome my social anxiety by attending the aforementioned event for Jason. I was pretty uncomfortable but I met some lovely people and certainly had a giggle! You'll never get the duvet and film girl out of me I'm afraid!

4. I've just registered to take part in The Big Bath Sleepout. I'll be sleeping out in Bath with my good friend Kat to raise money for a local homeless shelter, Julian House. I'm really excited and feel this is a really worthy cause. If you do too I'd love you to sponsor me here. Thank you.

5. February is a month to look forward to for me with Little A turning 3, my Neice turning 2, valentines day and a lovely mums retreat in Penzance!

6. I'm giving blood for the first time! I'm quite excited in a weird way!

7. I've had some great reviews this month. We had some lovely leggings, a chocolate making kit and a new children's programme coming up on the blog soon too. I'm always greatful for these opportunities.

8. Jay and I had a wonderful day and night away in Plymouth last week. We dined alone, had a nice room and did a spot of shopping. I don't care what some people think, quality time is essential to me.

Teenagers again!

9. I had a bath for the first time in months! In our new house we just have a shower and with my back playing up recently having that soak at the hotel was wonderful. Definetly something to smile about!

10. Speaking of backs, I've finally got an appointment through with the physiotherapist which I'm really hoping will help. I'm also going to be starting a Pilates DVD real soon which I think will be a great help!

Do you have 10 things to smile about? Why not link up with EmmyMom?

Big Smiles,

Cupcake Mumma

Lost Groove. If Found Please Return To...

I remember when I lost myself. Or my 'groove' or whatever it is I'm missing, I think it was after I left the countryside with my 3 year old daughter and my soon to be husband. I was pregnant with little A at the time and the need to live near town was becoming essential, so we looked. We searched high and low to find someone who would house us and we did.

With heads filled with excitement we visited the flat we were to move into. It wasn't fantastic but it was a flat. Besides, it almost felt like we didn't have a choice. We needed to live near town, we needed Jay to find work so we took the house. Pretty much straight away we discovered we had a very unfriendly neighbour above us. He made life hell with his parties and loud music, chucking bottles and cigarettes out the window. This is when my anxiety hit the highest point it has ever reached and has not left me since, in some shape or form.

The memories those nights brought back made me feel ill. The noise was unbearable. I had dreams or maybe visions of things I'm not proud of. We only lasted a month or so in the place before moving on to a new house (unknowingly) behind a bloody nightclub! The stress continued long after I had my son until we fought for closure of the club.

That's where I lost myself. I found myself now and again but ultimately I have never been the same partner, parent or person since we left my comforting surroundings and freedom. We are in a lovely house now since moving again and there is some fresh air and green fields to indulge myself and more than anything everything is just better.

How do I find myself again? I have this idea in my head of this person I want to be and it isn't unrealistic or un-achievable . I just feel stuck. A prisoner locked inside social anxiety. Desperate to break out but just so afraid. There isn't any more talking to be done. It's time for grabbing life by the balls before I peg it. Before I'm an old lady full of regrets and sadness. That's how it feels anyway.

I want to have some friends in 2014 and I want to learn to do new things while I can and while I don't have to fork out loads of cash to do it (here's looking at you college) but first, baby steps. I'm thinking I need to look into a toddler group, I need my faith right now so if I can, if I can really build the courage, this Sunday I will go back to my Church. I will also be picking a fellow bloggers brains on yoga too and see what can be done to get me on the right track: To get my Groove back!



Cupcake Mumma

2014 is About Me, Family and Getting Groovy!

I remember Groovy Mums being set up some time ago by the lovely, inspiring Kate from Kate on Thin Ice. When it was first set up I was new to blogging and I wasn't all that confident so I kept myself to myself as far as sharing anything about myself, my dreams etc were concerned.

I've been blogging over two years now and my confidence has changed a lot as far as writing and sharing things on here goes, so I'd like to share with you how I'd like to see 2014 go. I want 2014 to be about my family and about doing more things for myself.

For myself I want to do more crafting. I'm no crafter, not by a long shot but I have a wedding in July I plan on making a gift for and I love putting together homemade gifts. My favourite was a nappy cake I made my sister in law 2 years ago when she had her daughter- I loved making that!

I've also set myself the challenge to make everyone a card this year instead of lining the pockets of those card factories.

I want to start yoga but this will have to fit in at home as all local classes are in the evening or too far to travel. I'll be investing in a mat and reading up on yoga. I used to do it as a teen so I know I don't need a class. I do need the push though!

Finally the longest and hardest battle is with my social anxiety and excessive blushing, the latter I have no control over and has caused me so much mental hurt. I am attending a Mamas Retreat next month with Pippa from Story of Mum and many other mums too. I'm very excited and I can't wait to see our place for the night but there seem to be many factors that scare me. Will I get on with the others? Will they all be older mums who think I'm a silly younger mum? Will I blush and then make everyone awkward? Will I fart during my yoga session? (OK that's just to make you laugh but it is a possibility, it's intense yoga after all!)

All those things above apply to my fear (but want and need) to return to college. I feel like a prisoner sometimes but everyone who understands is on line and not here. Here, in real life, you get the words of wisdom but they lack experience, knowledge or understanding. I am optimistic for the future though.

I also want 2014 to be more about family. I want to spend time with my nieces and nephews before they no longer find me fun or entertaining. I want to treat the children to some days out. Ice skating at Christmas, a visit to the Eden project, picnics in summer; all sorts!

Family also includes my husband, whom I want to spend more time with. I've booked us a hotel in Plymouth for his birthday treat. Start as you mean to go on and all that!

Finally, a massive focus of mine is Project Kindness. You can see my page here which lists all the things I want to do this year. I start next month by giving blood which petrifies me (needle phobia!) I have a wonderful pen pal who kicked Cancers butt and wouldn't be here if it wasn't for not only the medicine we are so fortunate to have here but also the blood donated by selfless people on a regular basis.

Kindness should be felt and it should be spread! If you want to join me do consider Project Kindness, A Year in Gifts or my upcoming 31 days of kindness in March. The support would be ace.

Here's to 2014 and to all of us making positive changes.

Cupcake Mumma

Did you Steal my Christmas Spirit?

I used to love Christmas. My Mum would be so excited by the whole event that as a child and even when I was no longer a child and knew exactly what I would find in my stocking, I was still super excited by the whole event.

These days I'm not surrounded by the same people. In fact, I'm not really surrounded by anyone. My only friends are those I exchange letters with and may one day, but not for definite, meet. The school mums are cliquey and rude. The one person I was friendly with used me as a baby sitter and when a new mum brought her daughter to school they've become best buddies and I've been dropped like rock. I don't want mates like that obviously, but I would like someone.

My husband isn't one to be overly excited by Christmas, my son is too young, my daughter just waits for Christmas Day and her elf box on Christmas Eve. All I keep hearing is 'I'm not in the mood' 'I've not got any Christmas spirit' sure this year has been tough for many but send it out with a kick up the arse please!

I'm just not myself at the minute. My parents are always working, I'm always with the children both of which just aren't sleeping and are grumpy both day and night. My anxiety is making me feel more and more withdrawn but I know I can't let it. I just wish I had more positive people to be around. I wish I had friends that weren't so damn far away. I wish I found it easy to make friends.

Okay so this is a fairly standard woe is me post and nothing is really wrong but to me these things matter. I don't know how to just break through this thick cloud hanging over me. I want to have fun, I want to bake, blog and craft but I don't, I curl up instead. Why?

Is anyone else feeling like this? I'm sure I'm just tired and feeling a bit low and need to dig deep to find this energy and Christmas cheer.

Cupcake Mumma

Toddlers Don't 'Do' Sleep

Oh how silly of me to think otherwise! This week and a half just gone has seen me just functioning. Just being. It's a horrible feeling. I've had some lovely days don't get me wrong. I've spent quality time with my Dad on two occasions and I enjoy his being here. I've had Little A climb into my bed in the morning for his nap whilst I was having a lay in and that is lovely (because he's actually sleeping for a start!)

Otherwise I haven't taken much enjoyment in anything else. I don't particularly want to go out and I've had to force myself on the the occasions I had to go out for the school run and I felt particularly anxious. I can only assume this is down to the tiredness making it more difficult than usual for me to keep things in check and keep calm. I just want to get my child and go which is why Jay has been doing most of the school runs this week as one child is fine but 4 is too much for me this week when it's cold and drizzly and when together they walk so slow. I usually take this opportunity to really talk to them all (after all, I am mother to one and auntie to three of them) so I like to hear about their days, particularly my eldest nephew who has this love of books I had at his age. I'm so proud of him and it's nice to see him clutching a book every time I pick him up. He loves telling me about the story. I'm just too tired to concentrate on anything. Perhaps too selfish at the moment too. Tiredness really does make you feel low doesn't it?

I don't know why my toddler won't sleep. I've thought of bad dreams to night terrors to waking up and just not wanting to stay in bed so he head bangs and tantrums which is so loud I can't leave him because of the neighbours. I shouldn't care but I do, a screaming toddler at 1 am is not a pleasant sound and I'd hate to think we're making someone else's sleep a misery too. I asked my neighbour today if he can hear him and he seemed awkward before admitting that yes, he can but he's been there too. But because A isn't teething he doesn't understand what all the noise is about. Me and you both. Me and you both. It doesn't matter that he's nice about it, it doesn't make me feel better because i know now that he can hear him at midnight, at 1am, at 4am and so on!

So, do I just carry on what I'm doing? Taking him to my bed still crying in the early hours then sleeping before waking around 4am to get up? I lose my days because I put him back to bed and go back myself! It won't last forever but I don't know how to get to back to sleeping well without him crying and screaming which is horrendous. There is no control crying with A it's just constant and me going in and out makes him worse when he realises I'm not picking him up.

I just want my enthusiasm for blogging, baking, letter writing and people to come back. I want to be a better wife and a decent mother to my daughter who probably feels I don't want to do much with her when this isn't the case. How do you cope with tiredness and children with poor sleep? Any advice to share?

Cupcake Mumma

Excessive Blushing

The heat on my face: unbearable. A heatwave rushing through my body. Head to toe. All eyes on me, laughter, whispers, I  dare not look up. If I look up they will see my fear, the tears stinging my eyes. Finally I'm done. I'm done shaking, I'm done fighting the need to run, to get away from these terrifyingly insensitive bullies. Some 'friends'. Some not friends. 

For as long as I can remember I have been a sufferer of anxiety. The most crippling is my social anxiety. Oh how many lessons I spent with my feet up on a school loo to hide from the humiliation of oral presentations I cannot tell you. Teachers didn't understand my fear. A genuine, crippling fear of speaking in front of people.

The start of my social anxiety is incredibly easy to pin point. It's also incredibly painful. I was ten years old, I had to make some stupid guitar at home out of take away boxes and elastic bands. I repeated the words 'please not me', over and over in my head. Then my name:

My Fears are Your Fears?

Give us a smile Midge?!

Fears or phobias, we all have at least 1 right? I have a fair few. Probably too many to be honest but I'm not too bothered by most of them. Overall I only have one which really gets in the way of day to day life and that's my 'social phobia' (one of the ones many people just cannot even begin to understand) and some just don't bother me, like my fear of spiders. They're horrible little creatures with furry bodies and legs that carry them in all directions. I will not kill them though, oh no, I'd totally have to write that one in my prayer journal! These days I trap them under a glass and put them back outside with a 'sorry mate, my house not yours,' as a goodbye.

I was thinking about my phobias and how they would (or apparently do) affect my children. We're probably talking about Midge here as, at 5 years old, she's a lot more able to read the signs of panic and fear in my expression and body language. She's more able to tell a petrified shriek than Little Man is after all.

Midge is terrified of spiders. This is my fault. Before I realised that I had to grow a pair I continued to run around like a screaming banshee whenever one of the little blighters scuttled across my floor. Now, I've managed to 'man up' a bit and have even been known to grab, BARE HANDED one of those long legged grey ones *shudders* but this does not impress Midge and it is firmly rooted in her head that spiders are something to be scared of. Damn.
As are drain covers! This is also a huge fear of mine. I once read about a toddler falling down one and from that day on I refused to stand on or walk on a drain cover should it give way beneath my pink converses. Even worse, should it give way beneath my daughter's. The chances of this happening? Close to zero right? But isn't that what phobias are? A totally irrational feeling. Your bodies way of protecting you from 'danger?' I don't know, but what I do know is my daughter now refuses to walk on drain covers. It's bad, but I sort of feel relieved. Like my worst fear of loosing her won't happen, at least in one way.

I'm trying to get Midge to overcome some of her fears. She's scared of moths and even panics at flies being near her (you can imagine what summer is like in my house!) She is afraid of wasps (again my fault as I am petrified of them and this will never change I'm afraid- sorry Midge) and she is also fairly scared of dogs (often we have to cross the road if a dog is in our path) I think yet again she senses my panic and fear. I do not like strange dogs and for that matter I am not keen on dogs that are known to the family, so convinced am I that they are an 'accident waiting to happen.' It's a shame because I was brought up with so many animals and truth be told, I'd love a dog! But I won't, not until the children are grown up and understand that dogs, like people, need space!

Do your children have any fears and do you ever blame yourself for perhaps 'encouraging' that fear? I think I have been pretty open and honest in saying that yes, I do believe these fears my daughter has developed are most likely by witnessing my reaction to those 'incidents.' Some are life's experiences in her already short life so far. What do you make of all this?

CupcakeMumma

Anxiety

I don't talk much about anxiety or depression as generally I like to think I'm moving away from these things (although really they're always there, waiting for an opportunity to pounce on a low day, out of the blue) but 2 days ago I had a brush with the old anxiety which left me feeling a bit stupid. A bit vulnerable. All the things that anxiety is particularly good at making you feel.

I thought I'd take the children out for a lovely day. Get out the house, grab a change of scenery and perhaps waste some pennies in a pound store on craft things (even though we have plenty!) I thought I was ready to deal with 2 children, a pushchair and figure out the trains and busy streets. I think I was ready to be honest, just a series of unfortunate events hampered my positive attitude and determined mind.

My Next Challenge

Last year myself and my neighbours found out we could return to some peace and quiet on a Friday and Saturday night after a year of hell from a nightclub behind us. My house is directly (pretty much) behind said nightclub which, as you can imagine, was not so great.

When we moved here we had no idea we were moving behind a restaurant who had just applied for a license to sell alcohol from 5pm and play live and recorded music in a club they wanted to open until 3am in the morning. I didn't find out about this until I sifted through a stack of post belonging to the old occupants. You can imagine my horror to discover this information after moving from a bottom flat which housed a youth who played loud music every week.

We were lent some money when it got too much and were about to leave our home again when I got the news that the club license was going to be revoked. I was over the moon and the peace of 5 nights a week went back to 7 nights a week. Bliss.

But I find myself now, less than a year on, having to fight new owners of a new restaurant who also want to open the club, under the same name, with the same idea. Play loud, thudding music until 3am and serve alcohol to the same people who last time stabbed a man, smashed cars parked outside my house, ripped off wing mirrors, caused massive sleep disturbance to most of us living here.
There is no sound proofing. To be honest, even if there was it wouldn't stop the thudding I hear downstairs.

The main problem is and the real reason I take such a perhaps over-the-top view to some people, is last time it really badly effected me. Mentally.

I often couldn't sleep until gone 4am and would be plagued by nerves most evenings, even when I knew the club wouldn't be open. I would spend the whole week dreading Friday and Saturday. My nerves upset my stomach, making me physically ill. I would shake. Purely psychological but it's something that is deep rooted. Something I went to therapy for but it couldn't be stopped. The only thing that returned me to almost 'normal' state (I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder which is crippling when a problem like this comes to the surface threatening to take all my hard word work away) was the club being shut down.

Most people I have spoken to are so weak. They don't *think* anything will happen. Do they know? No. They don't. Will they do anything about it? No. They won't. So I will. For the second time, but right from the beginning I am tackling my demons. I have made posters to pop into letterboxes and I won't rest until I know this club won't ruin my life again.

I wasn't a good Mum last time. I wasn't a good partner. The thought of this happening again terrifies me.  Wish me luck!

Blog Challenge Days 18,19 and 20!

Oops totally late with this challenge after all the Olympic Torch excitement I was too tired yesterday and on Friday I had a blinding headache so decided staring at my laptop screen wasn't such a good idea.
All excuses over with I'll move on to the challenge!

Day 18/31 My Blog Name.
CupcakeMumma really is as simple as that. I'm a Mumma who likes cupcakes! I bake a few here and there but they're not anything amazing and before you say anything, there's always one good one and that's the one that will get the blog fame! I'm just a bit obsessed with them to be honest. I have cupcake books, a cutting board, ornaments oh blimey all sorts!

Day 19/31 What Do You Collect?
I collect postcards so if you're ever feeling so inclined to post one to me then well, I'd be very happy! I have a tin box under my bed getting nicely full with postcards from around the world (thanks to postcrossing.com) some I pick up to remember days out and a few of my favourites have  been picked up from the local market and have been written on years ago, I have some from the 1930's and 40's which I adore.

Day 21/31 A Difficult Time in Your Life
I wrote the other day about my anxiety and PND which are by far the worst moments of my life and the worst for my poor Other Half too who still suffers with my mood swings and pretty low dips. Hats off to him and anyone else who lives with someone like me, it sure isn't easy sometimes!

The most difficult time in my life was when we moved from the countryside to a little cul-de-sac in a town. It felt like things were going to be okay but it soon turned out otherwise. Above us lived a young man who had his mates over every Saturday night, sometimes Friday too. He would play extremely loud music, wouldn't turn it down, his friends threatened Other Half on two occasions and they would smoke drugs throwing their butts and cans out of the window so when I opened the curtain on a nice sunny morning after a hideous night I was greeted to a pit of a back yard. It wasn't my back yard, but I still had to look at it!

This was difficult because it really felt that no one cared. My anxiety, which previously hadn't bothered me for a good couple of years came out of no where and i hated living in my new flat. Because nobody else had to live there they really didn't understand our desperation to leave. We were lucky though that most weekends for pretty much the whole time we lived there I stayed with Little Miss at my Mums place or we all went to Other halve's parents.
The final straw came when, after a lovely birthday dinner i came home and ended up crying down the phone to my Aunt who lived near by. We all stayed with her that night and it was the last time I was going through it. Other Half and I even considered separating, me leaving with Little Miss and my bump, I was a total mess!

Luckily for us, the landlord wasn't happy about the situation at all and got us the 2 bedroom house we are currently living in. The process of anti-social behavioural orders is a very long one and the estate agents dealing with the man above us were not very sympathetic. Needless to say it's all the past now but I really, really feel for those living with nightmare neighbours and I never want to move because I'm too scared of going through it all again!

CupcakeMumma

Day 17- My Proudest Moment

I'm going to take a slightly different approach to this prompt because even though I am of course very proud of myself for bringing my two babies into this world with the help of my Mother, Other Half and a birthing pool, I am more proud of the fact that i overcame my post natal depression and that I continue to fight my anxiety.

With help from my partner I overcame my post natal depression but sadly it wasn't until Little Miss was just over 1 year of age that I began to feel 'normal' and connected with her, something no mother should have to feel with their own child,

With my anxiety I suffered alone for years. I grew up with social anxiety and would skip any lesson that involved standing up and speaking in front of the class. I was bullied, laughed at, whispered about and generally made to feel useless and pathetic. This started in primary school and would see my through to my final year of secondary.

It wasn't until I had my son in 2011 that I plucked up the courage to speak openly to my new GP about what I had been going through at that time and everything before. I soon found myself having a chat with a lovely lady from the surgery who recommended some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and this began to change my life.

Social Anxiety is no longer a huge problem in my life and for that i feel a huge sense of relief. I feel that in the future I'll be able to feel calm and confident about such things as interviews for jobs and parents evenings, even talking on the phone feels like a much easier job these days.

My General Anxiety is still something I fight against. I'm still on medication to help me as if I don't take them I find that my mind goes into overdrive and I just won't leave the house. I have periods where I want to stay in all day but knowing I have to do things in order to not let my anxiety win keeps me going. I'll still get a bit anxious about meeting certain people which can lead to panic attacks and worrying about not having enough change to pay for something is enough to push me over the edge- although having said that, I was 85p short today but instead of freaking out I calmly and confidently asked if i could have something taken off...I didn't really need those chocolate bars after all! I didn't blush, I didn't feel awkward, just apologised, paid and moved on...Oh and felt proud of myself!

Cupcake Mumma