Just Waffling...

I've been a little quiet lately. A part from catching up every week with our goings on I've not really put much else out there. It's okay, I'm not worried about the lack of blog posts going up, I stopped being one of *those* bloggers a long time ago. I have missed blogging though. The truth is I haven't been feeling myself. I haven't wanted to do much at all, especially the things that I enjoy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, I've been depressed and this, at least for me, isn't that. Nothing bad has happened, we are all well. Well, I'm a little unwell but I have to wait 2 weeks to see my doctor and even then it's probably nothing. I'm not even unwell actually, just a niggling thing that is worrying me so I want to have my mind put at rest which is no bad thing.

I'm just a little low. I've adjusted to A being in school now and he's idoing well. Midge hasn't changed at all, she hasn't suddenly become miss independent, she still very much needs me. I'm used to being on my own a lot more and it's okay. The days go really fast still though, I find that weird. What I'm actually doing is not facing my problems. For whatever reason I am shutting myself away and not dealing with anything.

I'm not dealing with my weight gain despite feeling like a big pile of yuck. Sure you look at me in the street and you'd say "you're tiny you've got nothing to worry about!" (Don't say that to me, I really won't like you very much) but underneath I just feel yuck. I don't feel attractive, yet here I am in the afternoon writing this, thinking this and not exercising, not doing anything remotely good in the direction of helping myself. I'm unfit, I'm not particularly healthy and really need to sort myself out.

Secondly I've come to that point that I know people wonder what the heck I do all day. The answer? Not a lot. I get to keep on top of the housework like every other parent, I get to de clutter, then I sit on my bum or run a few errands. Am I bored? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should take advantage of this time, I'll be working one day and I won't have all this free time. The house will be hard to keep with, the out going mail will be piled up, the day will fly by and I just won't be so free, so why not be a bit lazy! Why not enjoy this luxury for a little while? Sod what everyone else thinks.

I do want to do *something* though. I've decided I need to see if some form of therapy, such as CBT will help me overcome my blushing fears and anxiety. Anxiety wise I am not the same person I was a few years ago. I am more confident but when it comes to meeting up with people, or even the thought of volunteering, being interviewed, having to work it's too much. It's overwhelming and hard to explain and I need to deal with it because I can't keep up anymore. I have missed so much because of blushing and you can't avoid work forever, I wouldn't want to. I am hard working, loyal, a good person, I have strengths and weaknesses. I may have no experiences other than personal ones but that's okay. It's why I need to volunteer though, I want to get confident and I want to learn. I want to have a routine and be appreciated. May be that last one is a bit far fetched, I wonder how many people actually feel appreciated in their job!?

Anyway, that's why I've been quiet. Things 'upstairs' have been busy, pre occupied and lost. I know I have the answers, I know I need to fix things myself and it's my job to do that. I'll let you know how I get on (when I eventually get out from my sons Thomas duvet on the sofa)

Cupcake Mumma

*this post has been added to my mental health page here.

The Prompt: Reflection

I haven't joined in with Sara's link up for some time, I just don't seem to be able to use my brain effectively at the moment! This weeks prompt was great because I could draw from recent experiences.

Reflection

I've been thinking a lot about my personal journey with anxiety recently and how far I've come, how much I've changed. I used to not be able to pick up a telephone, pay for my own items at a check out. I certainly would not have gone out and met people, attended toddler groups and other various challenging situations.

I've noticed just how different I am now and that I really need to let go of a lot of fears and worries I hold close. Fears of being mocked and stared at whenever I open my mouth for example! It was proved to me just last week at my Mamas Retreat that I can speak in front of people and I won't be laughed at, not taken seriously and mocked. Why I hold onto these thoughts I will never know. Proof perhaps that bullying is an incredibly powerful act to inflict on someone because it stays with you for a long time, years in my case, and if I don't continue to fight my own insecurities; for life. Powerful stuff.

It was even revealed to me as I spoke in front of 11 other women that I don't even blush! What!? My face twitches and feels as though it's on fire. How the heck can I not be blushing? But I believe these women, especially several who are now wonderful friends. They wouldn't lie to me. I only refused to believe my husband because he loves me, he would say anything to make me feel better.

I'm not sure where I go from here. Without seeing myself not blush it's hard to believe it's not happening. Can I really convince myself!? If I can, my life and myself will be so different I'm sure of it.

So there's me rambling and reflecting on me and last week. Do you have any experience of this? I'd love to hear from you!

Cupcake Mumma

2014 is About Me, Family and Getting Groovy!

I remember Groovy Mums being set up some time ago by the lovely, inspiring Kate from Kate on Thin Ice. When it was first set up I was new to blogging and I wasn't all that confident so I kept myself to myself as far as sharing anything about myself, my dreams etc were concerned.

I've been blogging over two years now and my confidence has changed a lot as far as writing and sharing things on here goes, so I'd like to share with you how I'd like to see 2014 go. I want 2014 to be about my family and about doing more things for myself.

For myself I want to do more crafting. I'm no crafter, not by a long shot but I have a wedding in July I plan on making a gift for and I love putting together homemade gifts. My favourite was a nappy cake I made my sister in law 2 years ago when she had her daughter- I loved making that!

I've also set myself the challenge to make everyone a card this year instead of lining the pockets of those card factories.

I want to start yoga but this will have to fit in at home as all local classes are in the evening or too far to travel. I'll be investing in a mat and reading up on yoga. I used to do it as a teen so I know I don't need a class. I do need the push though!

Finally the longest and hardest battle is with my social anxiety and excessive blushing, the latter I have no control over and has caused me so much mental hurt. I am attending a Mamas Retreat next month with Pippa from Story of Mum and many other mums too. I'm very excited and I can't wait to see our place for the night but there seem to be many factors that scare me. Will I get on with the others? Will they all be older mums who think I'm a silly younger mum? Will I blush and then make everyone awkward? Will I fart during my yoga session? (OK that's just to make you laugh but it is a possibility, it's intense yoga after all!)

All those things above apply to my fear (but want and need) to return to college. I feel like a prisoner sometimes but everyone who understands is on line and not here. Here, in real life, you get the words of wisdom but they lack experience, knowledge or understanding. I am optimistic for the future though.

I also want 2014 to be more about family. I want to spend time with my nieces and nephews before they no longer find me fun or entertaining. I want to treat the children to some days out. Ice skating at Christmas, a visit to the Eden project, picnics in summer; all sorts!

Family also includes my husband, whom I want to spend more time with. I've booked us a hotel in Plymouth for his birthday treat. Start as you mean to go on and all that!

Finally, a massive focus of mine is Project Kindness. You can see my page here which lists all the things I want to do this year. I start next month by giving blood which petrifies me (needle phobia!) I have a wonderful pen pal who kicked Cancers butt and wouldn't be here if it wasn't for not only the medicine we are so fortunate to have here but also the blood donated by selfless people on a regular basis.

Kindness should be felt and it should be spread! If you want to join me do consider Project Kindness, A Year in Gifts or my upcoming 31 days of kindness in March. The support would be ace.

Here's to 2014 and to all of us making positive changes.

Cupcake Mumma

Life Circle-Life Circle

Kate has asked us to look a little forward first to five years ahead and then one year ahead. I have done this previously but this is about starting a fresh for me so that is what I am going to do.

In five years time I will be 27 so still nice and young, go me! My daughter will be 9 so she will be at the end of primary school with my son at the beginning of his primary education. Unless we have another child in 5 years time I would like to think we would still be living where we are because we are happy here overall with decent schools in the vicinity and family close by which is always a bonus.
I will be a qualified massage therapist and working part time therefore prior to that I would have built up my confidence enough to go out and work. I will have the life balance I need, regular working out, spending time with my children, my husband (we will be married very soon!) the essentials (house work) any studies and hobbies and doing more instead of being a home bunny.

So in one years time I will be newly married and happy in my relationship. I will still be a stay-at-home mum because my son will only be one but my daughter will be in full time school from September this year which will give me much more time to myself in terms of getting things done. I enjoy baking but find I often don't get the chance in the day.
I will be going to regular parent toddler groups with my son which will boost my confidence and social skills. I will have got a balanced, healthy diet and be happy with my size and weight as I am working on setting a routine that works for me. I won't ever be a social butterfly as that is not my thing, but I will certainly make an effort to see friends, have my sister over and spend quality time with those who matter.
I will be doing more for me in the way of exercise and hobbies because this really matters to me.

If i have missed anything out I apologise! My confidence is a real thing for me. There is one thing holding me back and that is simple: fear. I don't feel silly having this fear because I know why I have it. I blush A LOT and so far (since I was 9) I have not been able to find a way to deal with this. Because of this I am really holding myself back. I won't volunteer which is ideal for my CV not to mention my confidence. I find it difficult to attend toddler groups which means my children miss out. This is no good and needs looking at. The fact is, and I know this, that i cannot stop excessive blushing (I recommend a Google here)
I won't go on anymore, it's a sensitive subject and one that a lot of people think is daft (because seeing me in this situation is 'Oh so funny')
Finding a life balance is also important to me. It would seem there are so many things to do (or that I want to do) and yet I don't want to prioritise them. Working out over blogging? Housework over sitting on my arse watching TV? I have a repetitive day to day routine which needs to change, this is where toddler groups come in!

Pleas link up your post over at The Five Fs blog. Hannah x