Tuesday, 14 February 2017

I Don't Know Me

I often wonder who I am. If this is it or if there's something more.

If I'll always be scared by silly things.

Will I always care what people think? Does that get less with age? In which case, hurry up 30...

I have no idea what I'm doing.
No plans.
No goals.
No real aims..

Maybe a few..I know I want to be happy. I mean I am happy but I could be happier..

I kind of want freedom. To float through life.

Then I don't. I want to be like others. I want to work under someone else, have the safety of someone above telling me what to do. Somebody paying my wage and I come and go everyday as and when I have to.

Other days I'm glad I don't have that right now. Sometimes it's hard and too much for my head.

I'm still trapped a little.

By social anxiety.
By the fear of blushing.
By anxiety full stop. Any kind.

I keep telling myself I could be other things. But I can't really. I don't have that ambition. That drive or motivation.

I feel like I let my kids down. I always tell them to 'be themselves.'

Although to be fair, I'm not sure who myself is.

I can't be this can I? Scared. Irrational. Anxious. Disorganised. Sad. Snappy. Constantly overthinking. Trapped.

I know I have good and so with that I suppose you need the bad too?
I am kind. I am loyal to those who I befriend. I am an introvert but I also open up and enjoy socialising with a small handful of friends.

God I can hear 'get over yourself' already and I know whose voice it is. (It isn't mine)

Although I do tell myself to be quiet, to be kind to myself and to be thankful.

Who am I? Who are you? Really.
Truly.

How do you begin to even find out?

5 comments:

  1. Your post makes me feel sad. Sometimes we all go through phases of not knowing who we are and where we are going. This is the time you need to look at whether you are feeling a little depressed? I find that when I get like this I take up something new to do, a new project, a hobby, even read a book. Just immerse yourself in something and let your own self make itself known to you. Life is too short for anxiety and stress, find something to make you happy outside of your regular daily routine. I hope you feel happier soon x

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  2. I connected with this so much, social anxiety is ruining my life. Thank you for sharing #TuesdayTreasures

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  3. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like to live with anxiety but I do know other people that have it who describe it as hell. I hope that you can find a way to learn to live with it in a way that you can be happy. #TuesdayTreasures

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  4. You know what Hannah I bet there's not a person reading this that doesn't or hasn't felt the same way. I felt exactly the same until my 32nd birthday then something just clicked. I will probably never stop learning who I am and I've made peace with that. I only know you through the interwebs and your letters but I already know you have a kind beautiful soul and I consider you a friend. When I'm struggling really badly with anxiety both internal and social I keep telling myself 'fake it till you make it' and most of the time that works for me. Thank you for linking up with #TuesdayTreasures xx

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  5. I totally understand what you're saying and I feel it too! We spend all our childhood and teens trying to work out who we are and then suddenly it seems we are thrust in to parenthood where we are meant to suddenly know. But I don't think ou wake up and do suddenly know. You're in your 20s so you are still working it all out. Probably in your 50s you will be too. Don't beat yourself up, you're doing great. #TuesdayTreasures

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