How am I Supposed to Feel?

Grief is unique. There is no one size fits all. No 'this is how it's going to feel and here's how to deal with it,' book and if there is I'm not sure I'd be picking it up. I know there are stages of grief though: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That's what Google tells me anyway *laughs*

I've been shocked. That came before, where we had to accept that Uncle M was ill and never going to get better. No one expected to hear the news; at least as far as I'm aware no one did. One moment he had an illness he could recover from and the next he has an illness that he can not and will not recover from. I went briefly to not believing this could be true that once more cancer had invaded my family but this time it was taking someone with it. Then that made me understandably angry.

I have to say guilt was a big feeling for me over the first few days. But that's more private. I was lifted when I heard him speak on Wednesday evening. He was tired and weak but I heard him and heard everyone with him, all my family there by his side. I'm so, so happy I told him I loved him. Wednesday appeared to be a good day for him, one of his best. My parents came home on Thursday, he passed away in the early hours of Friday morning. I chose to deal with it later, after my first session at school with reception. I came home and I started to deal with it.

Now I'm just sad. Or I'm okay. I didn't know my uncle well. I wrote to him a number of times, I sent photos of his growing great niece and nephew. I called the hospitals whenever he was admitted with an illness to find out how he was. I now know it doesn't matter that I wasn't able to or never got around to meeting him again and more often. I cared about him and loved him just like we all did and I hope he knows that. In fact, I have no doubts that he knew that.

So I am okay. But I'm also sad. Really sad. Then I'm okay again. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel but I know that whatever it is, it's okay.

Cupcake Mumma