Three weeks ago I noticed how I just wasn't myself anymore. My husband couldn't work out why until he asked me "are you still taking your tablets?"
No. No I wasn't and I didn't want to. I had spent at least 2 weeks with a smile on my face and feeling pretty good. Prior to that I had been forgetting to take them and as I felt okay I made the rather foolish decision to stop taking them. Maybe I can be normal again? I thought. Fast forward a week and I'm overthinking, anxious about play groups, about ordering my costa, about bumping into people I know. I don't want to leave the house, I'm tired, angry, sad and more than anything so frustrated at myself.
After a brief online conversation I was made to realise that needing my tablets was OK. That so many people out there need their medication to feel normal and I am one of them. Accepting that is no bad thing. I'm very thankful for that conversation because it made me realise something. If I had high blood pressure, asthma, diabetes or a physical illness then i'd take my medication and I wouldn't screw around with it because it would be helping me. So now I will do the same with the tablets which are helping my mental health. They balance the chemicals, they help my anxiety which in turns help me to feel happier and well.
I saw my GP last week and she was amazingly lovely about everything. I now have my original prescription all sorted out and I plan to keep up with them. At the moment I am still struggling as I wait for the tablets to 'kick in' so to speak. I'm pretty short tempered, the children are pushing every button possible and that's hard. I'm still not myself. Whoever that is. I'm in a very lonely place right now despite play group and trying to reconnect with old friends who are just too busy I'm pretty much alone and that can be tough sometimes. Sometimes it isn't though! Depends on my mood!
I'll leave it there for now. I just wanted to share some words with everyone. To let others know that if you feel the same as me then it's okay and it's normal. Don't ignore things, they won't go away. Accepting all of this wasn't easy for me, probably because of how I was brought up to view medication and mental health. I'm not addicted to my tablets, I'm not weak or not facing the causes of my anxiety and depression. One day I won't need those tablets. But for the foreseeable future, I do. And that's OK.