I don't talk much about anxiety or depression as generally I like to think I'm moving away from these things (although really they're always there, waiting for an opportunity to pounce on a low day, out of the blue) but 2 days ago I had a brush with the old anxiety which left me feeling a bit stupid. A bit vulnerable. All the things that anxiety is particularly good at making you feel.

I thought I'd take the children out for a lovely day. Get out the house, grab a change of scenery and perhaps waste some pennies in a pound store on craft things (even though we have plenty!) I thought I was ready to deal with 2 children, a pushchair and figure out the trains and busy streets. I think I was ready to be honest, just a series of unfortunate events hampered my positive attitude and determined mind.

We walked up to the station and waited patiently to be served our tickets. Of course, being a bit behind with 2 children I knew the time was closing in to catch this train. Of course there was someone having a lovely chat in front of us. Damn. Already anxiety level goes up to 3. I'm OK, just aware we're cutting it fine.

We get served with a side of rushed and then, oh no, the barriers are down. I have a toddler and a 5 year old, a bag and a buggy that won't sodding fold down and I have to cross a fair sized bridge to the other platform! Anxiety goes up to 6. The ticket man helps us across which is very nice of him. Anxiety settles down to 3 until the train doors open and I am putting my children on the train only for people to deem it absolutely fine for them to not let me on. They stopped me, a mother from getting on the train where my children were waiting for me. I panicked. They panicked. Anxiety is now at 8.
When we get on the train things just get worse. There's no where to sit so Little Man screams in protest for the 25 minute journey at being strapped back down in the buggy whilst Midge has to sit on the floor. I'm flushed like a beetroot and incredibly self conscious. I have decided that when my feet hit the platform I'm turning back around. Anxiety at 9.

When we stepped off the train it became apparent just how busy town was today. If you suffer from anxiety too then you know first hand that this is not good news! However, I refused to give in at this point. I tried phoning my Aunt to meet for lunch. I knew this would be nice, familiar company and would make a good day for us all. Turned out she was with my Mum. I walked into the main street with the children, trying not to convey my uneasiness. Within about 10 minutes I caved and text my Mum who eventually replied that she would pick us all up. My Anxiety went all the way back to 3. The knowledge of being 'saved' takes all the worry and panic away. You don't have to deal with the situation anymore, yey! Although you sort of failed..Boo! We popped in the pound store for some crafty bits and went off to Mums' house shortly after.

As it turned out we had a lovely day seeing my parents. I'm grateful to have a family who are so understanding. If I was left any longer I know I would've had a panic attack and I never want to have one of them in front of my children. How terrified would they be? I have decided the next time I go out on an outing like this it will be buggy-less. I will do it again. I won't let anxiety win, but I will stay in my house today and avoid the noise!

Do you suffer with Anxiety? How do you cope when it rears its ugly head?