I hate to write when I'm feeling low because I always think tomorrow i'll wake up and read some drivel I've written and have the hassle of deciding whether or not to delete the damn post..
Tonight I feel low. Like really low. I'm going to put it out there that I'm tired and hormonal so these will be the main reasons with other 'stuff' just not helping.
I feel incredibly lonely. I have no friends. I barely see my family, only my mum once a week. And that's not just to see me of course. In those few hours my husband cracks stupid jokes and we have to make sure mum spends time hugging Little Man and gets to see Midge either to or from school.
It's a busy world. Mum is out of work but starting a new job soon which she is heavily involved with setting up. My dad works and Mum has to time days correctly to make sure he's not freezing his butt off at the gates at pick up!
I do wish we could have more time together but I just don't see how. My sister is arriving back from Uni this weekend which us lovely. In reality though i'll see her just a few times before she goes back again. She has lots if shifts at the supermarket to pick up which is great as she gets some extra cash but she also has friends who have missed her and her them. It's hard to spread your time equally.
Unless you're me that is.
Because I have no mates to see, no coffee mornings with fellow mums to go to. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moaning here without even trying.
I tried making friends with a girl of a similar age to me. Everytime we arrange to meet, wether it's with or without children, she bottles it and I don't hear from her unless I text her again.
I talk and make friendly chat with the mums at school but that's all they want. Honest. Some will blank you completely, some will look through you but not at you and some will say "Hi" but as soon as their friend or group turn up I get the hint and shuffle to the side. ( If you don't shuffle away you'll find that you're gently nudged by the mum who is 'in' with said group and keen to not miss the conversation.)
I have people I chat to on Twitter. I have a couple of pen friends and a close friend I text and write to regularly. The problem with this for me is that they're not real, real friends in that you can't call and meet them for a chat and an offload. I haven't met ANY of them and most probably never will. I love them and appreciate them for being there for me even though it is only an e-mail or a text they're still there. Unlike everyone else I know...
I'm so tired of feeling alone. We're not getting much sleep at the moment because of Little Man and his head banging habit. An unfortunate phase I have to wait out I'm afraid. It's loud, annoying and whilst doesn't hurt him in the slightest it frustrates me for many reasons, one being I'm up at least 5 times between 2 and 4 to settle him and move his head away from the temptation that is the headboard.
Midge is picking up on every little vibe like the sensitive creature she is and is playing up big time. She's back chatting and bossing me about. At school she's this little angel but at home she's not quite so and it's all my fault.
It's my fault because we don't craft or bake or walk or go out like we used to. Bedtime is stressful even when I do everything in my power (and mind) to make it not stressful.
Look, I'm going to shut up now because no one likes a long blog post and least of all me. I just had to get this 'woe is me' out there. Might stay, might go. Tomorrow will decide!