Cupcake Mumma

My Boyfriend Is More Than His Disability



Recently I have felt hurt and let down by some people around me; those that I foolishly thought would be better people, should be better people. I held them up to a different standard than I perhaps would do with others in my life. I'm not hurt because they've said or done anything to me, I am hurt because they are part of a society that I believe still sees disabled individuals as not as important as able bodied people. That some how they have different thoughts and feelings to the rest of us. 



Spoiler alert: They Don't.

Surviving January ♡

I don't know about anyone else but I've found January to be so incredibly long. It hasn't been a bad month it's just been slow. Midges birthday helped pass some of the time with her yummy dinner made by Mr K and a rather delicious cake. I love the children's birthdays but once it was done and dusted things have really slowed down. 

Vegan Salted Caramel Cheesecake



I've been wanting to write this up for a while now but I've been so poorly that I've had to step away from the laptop. Thankfully I'm feeling a little better! Before I start, the lovely folks at BuyWholefoodsOnline.co.uk have helped me to make this recipe by supplying at least 4 of the ingredients. Their Coconut oil, Maple Syrup, Macadamia Nuts and the most important: Cashew nuts.


A few things about this cheesecake before I show you the recipe (you can skip straight to it if you like of course!) The cashew nuts really do need to be soaked. You can either soak them over night or if you're a hopeless scatter brain like myself popping them in some boiling water before you plan to start will soften them up. When it comes to blending, these need to be soft to make the lovely cheesecake filling we all know and love!



The vegan margarine I use is called Vitalite and can be found in any supermarket. Alternatively you can stick with the Coconut Oil if you like a real a coconut taste.
I use Soya milk but any other milk will work. You can also substitute Maple Syrup for Golden Syrup.


How delicious does this look? I still had a good chunk left over so I've popped it back into my freezer for another day. All the children have enjoyed it which if I'm honest, I wasn't expecting what with all the different nutty flavours! The caramel has to be my favourite bit because it was my first time ever making a vegan caramel, I wasn't sure what to expect! 


This recipe can easily serve a group sitting, there's 5 of us eating it and there was still half left! It takes hardly any time at all to make but the patience is in the waiting for that filling to freeze (it's totally worth it though!) 

I hope if you have a go at this recipe that you'll let me know how you got on and share some photos with me too. You can also check out my other recipes by clicking my Recipe Page where you'll find another fruitier vegan cheesecake.

Enjoy!

Midge Turns 11! ♡


Every year I write a birthday post for the children so they can look back and see what they looked like, what cake they got and what they did for their special day.

My 2019 Ticklist


I didn't set any goals last year, although you could argue just surviving through all the shit was a goal in itself! I decided I would set some this year however so here they are. Do you have any goals you'd like to accomplish this year? I'd love to know!

Leaving 2018 Behind...Sort Of.


2018 it's fair to say was a totally rubbish year. Did good things happen? Of course they did. But if 2018 was a person I'd also want to punch it in the face.

We have had such a difficult year coming together as a blended family. I wrote about it (albeit in a nut shell) a little while ago. It has been difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel some times and for both of us too. I cannot go into this year thinking that everything is all of a sudden better. It really isn't all 'New year, new start' or whatever other saying we have as we come into the new year.

2018 gave us some serious lows. There were moments I wasn't sure if we would make it after coming so far. And we really have come far. Martyn and I have managed to make a long distance relationship work for a year despite living that 6 hours a part, despite dependant personality disorder, depression, my separation drama and much more. I handed in notice on my rented property, pulled my children out of school and moved those 6 hours away leaving behind my closest family to be with the one I love and his children. And I spent a good few moments last year wondering why? What for? A isn't happy, he was very aggressive last year and he is struggling to separate from me. Struggling to deal with the fact I have a partner because his Dad well, he wasn't close to his Dad. He didn't do much with him, he was always with me. Sitting with me, eating with me, helping me, me helping him, co sleeping with me. We have a mother and son bond that is incredibly strong but hasn't moved on; mostly my fault. I used my son for comfort when I had nothing else a lot of the time and failed to see how damaging this could be. So last year we dealt with the fall out of that.

Of course we are still dealing with the fall out. The anger and emotions. I struggle with my feelings too. Martyn struggles being his target whilst also loving him at the same time as I do. We both struggle with a social worker determined to use Martyns' past against him. Twisting facts and giving his opinions in a very damaging way. 

So really we can't leave 2018 behind. It has to come with us into 2019. But we can change how we deal with it. I won't always be able to hold my faith no matter how hard I try. I won't always want to get up in the morning but I can take steps to improve how I think and feel about things.

One of the first tweets I sent this year was to say how I was only taking this year one day at a time. Already I am struggling with this because as an anxiety sufferer all you do is worry and think ahead! The what ifs and dread of all these social interactions just fill your head, drowning you. 

I truly hope this year we come together more as a family. That we learn to help each of us individually. I love all my children. All 4 of them. I love Martyn and truly believe we have a family that can work just as well as any other family. We all have problems and hardships within families but for once, I'd love it to be something as simple as 'He's in my room!!' 'Don't look at me!' You know the rest!

Midge,A,James and Will standing together at DiggerLand

I wish all my lovely readers a truly wonderful new year. I know so many of you are also taking a lot of 2018 into this year with you because you still have things to do and people to fight. People you love are unwell and that doesn't get cured by the clock striking midnight on January 1st. I pray you all have a good year and that in those dark moments you try to take one day at a time. Just like us.

Hannah 

Family Life Update


I thought it was about time I at least tried to get back into my lovely little blog. It's been at least 3 months since I wrote on here and I have missed writing, it's just been hard to know what to write.
I didn't feel like I could do reviews or gift guides, put up sponsored posts or even write about other little things when so much has been going on; really hard stuff. It was like the elephant in the room and I was avoiding writing about it so I stopped writing about anything else too because everything felt fake when not addressing the Big Thing.

Don't get me wrong. We still have had plenty of good moments which I can tell you about but first, the reason I have pretty much abandoned my blog. Long term readers will know I have always struggled with A's behaviour. When he was about 3 he was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, more commonly seen in children with additional needs but A was deemed too young to look into anything else at the time so we went with this.

Over the years A's behaviour has mostly stayed the same. Looking back, I can see behaviour he does now and realise it was always there, I just didn't see it. For the past year and in particular, the past 6 months, we have seen a dramatic increase in his poor and aggressive behaviour.
There is a lot going on with A, I don't want to write in absolute detail but as is sometimes common when families come together there are often at least several of the family who fail to get along. This seems to be the case with A and James. A has been more and more physically aggressive and unlike a lot of children he doesn't have the filter to stop. He wants to hurt and he will do it, with no stop. I have had to restrain him multiple times and he has attacked myself and Mr K numerous times. 

At the moment, family life is fractured. It's difficult being together as a family because something always kicks off. We do our best to give the children their individual attention and all are doing well in school which is a relief. J is much happier in his new school. He had some issues with bullying both in general from other children and sadly A was part of that on occasion, something I am deeply disappointed about. All children are now in new schools and all are benefiting from their new environment.

Will continues to do Home Ed. Currently we are looking at weather, swimming weekly, measuring our home and looking at area and perimeter with the goal of building a small scale version of our bungalow. We are also looking at Japan for our culture lessons and incorporating this into cookery (home made Mochi here we come!) We are still looking at the wars for history which ties in great as Midge is doing this at school as well and soon we start looking at electricity but so far we have been growing our crystals (which little joy sadly!)

Midge has grown up so much in just these past few months. We are very aware as she is the more quieter one that she needs a lot of attention herself, difficult when you have 3 boys with very different needs. School is going really well and soon we will hear which secondary school she will be going into. Her new passport arrived yesterday which is wonderful and we can now look forward to putting money aside as best we can so she can holiday with my sister and parents next year. She continues to be sensitive but has certainly learned to hold her own a bit more and the pre teen phase has well and truly begun!

James is much happier in his new school setting, a faith school 5 minutes away from our new home. He likes our new place and is much more happy to come over. He still finds home life tricky and we know a lot of it is the tension and issues between him and A. He also seems to be using all that energy to be well behaved at school and we have noticed when he returns home it's like an almighty explosion both physically and emotionally. 

A remains fairly set a part from the rest of the family. He still gets his one to one but he often sees himself as more of an adult and that his fellow siblings are 'the kids.' He has adjusted to our life, he likes the new house and he likes his new school after a wobble starting where he refused to go in with a male teacher! He continues to push boundaries and sometimes it is hit and miss carrying out consequences to his actions. Some days he will do time out okay and others he will try to hurt himself in some way to get me to stop the process or he will just snap; he screams shouts and becomes aggressive until things go his way. Of course they don't so as you can imagine this can go on a while!

A is starting play therapy next week up until Easter next year (unless we get another professional coming into the mix from social services) I'm paying for this privately after being let down by his previous school and Early Help services. As mentioned above, our family is now under social services which we self referred to after trying every other avenue. Our social worker is a really nice man, all the kids like him (apart from A who is 'in the middle about him') He has taken on board everything about all the children and has admitted that this will be a long road for us.

A has a lot of emotional needs and they need to be addressed. We have a fab home support worker at James' school and we are hoping when the new one starts at A's school they will be just as good. SENCO remains to be seen, we are hoping they put across a good referral for us to the local children's therapy place to see a paediatrician otherwise we will be back to square one yet again in that regard. Our social worker wants to go straight to CAMHS but the doctor has been told he has to follow this current route first. 

Martyn and I, although having had ups and downs we continue to support each other the best we can. We are both often drained and tired and it is hard being a full time carer and a mother just as it is hard being a father, a home educator and living with a chronic and very painful illness for him. We continue to make each other laugh at least once a day, talk openly about how we feel and discuss the children. We both come together to pray and do our Bible reading at night along with some christian devotional sites which we find uplifting. 

So, although long, I hope I haven't bored anyone too much. Life is hard right now but no one said it would be easy, especially not with children (and 4 of them at that!) we have to hope that now we have social services involved and what appears to be a good social worker, we can access the help and support we need in whatever form to help the children and ourselves.