I've woken up this morning feeling slightly cross. I'm in agony with my back, my children are screaming and then I log on to the internet and read about the press and their usual spiteful, uneducated, dangerous and disrespectful reporting into the death of Robin Williams. So I want to write about depression. I want to tell you how depression makes me feel. I want to educate those who can not get their heads around why someone would feel so worthless, so pathetic, so utterly alone and helpless that they'd want to leave their life behind no matter how 'amazing,' and how 'perfect,' it appeared to be.
Depression, something that I've suffered from since my early teenage years, without knowing, without labelling myself with it, is a disease. Like any physical illness depression spreads through the mind, the body until life feels impossible. Depression:
Makes me think my husband has had enough of me and will leave me any day when in reality he is standing there with me.
Makes me think my children hate me. That being away from them is the best chance they have. Away from my quick temper, my selfishness, my uselessness.
It makes me question every single thing I've ever done. To the point your mind won't stop, it won't go quiet. You can't sleep.
It makes you tired. So bloody tired.
It makes you angry. You hate the world and sometimes everyone that exists no matter who they are and you don't even know why.
It tells you you're alone. Convinces you of the shame of seeking help. Tells you your children would be taken away from you if you're seen as 'mental.'
It's selfish. There are no other thoughts other than 'Me.' That is why depression is so hard to work with. That's why it's so bloody hard to stand by someone suffering because you want to pick them up, shake them, give them the massive list of all that's good in their lives but depression doesn't care.
Depression is dark. It is lonely, distant, spaced out, it is the black hole of your mind.
My honest opinion of depression and the stigma surrounding it? I don't believe it will ever end. No one, unless you're very special, very keen to learn and help, can truly understand depression unless they've been there themselves. Sometimes helping someone through it is enough if you are open to understanding, to helping, to researching, to reaching out. Mostly though, depression is understood by those who have lived through it. Who are emerging from the other side.
Please understand that there is no logic to depression. Money, cars, career, marriage, healthy children, big families, wonderful homes, too class friends, education, gorgeous appearances, houses full to the brim of everything you could want, no particuly bad life experiences. It doesn't make you immune from depression. Nothing can and nothing will.
Please, if you're reading this and treading through the darkness, if you're wondering what is out there for you, wondering if this is your calling card to leave, please please seek help.
Any of these:
Sure Start Centres
Almost any health care professional
CLICK HERE FOR EXTENSIVE CONTACTS FROM THE NHS WEBSITE.
It doesn't matter who you are, where you've come from, what you've been through. Whether your young or old, black or white, male or female. It doesn't matter your sexual orientation, or if you're poor, rich, in the middle. You matter. You are a wonderful person who deserves to tread through the darkness and emerge from the other side. It's not easy. It's not fun. But it is possible. Good luck.