If there is anyone reading this who is suffering from PND, who thinks they may be or even has just got help for this awful illness then please know this: It does get better.
'I can't take any more. I just keep crying. I want to close my eyes and sleep forever.I love my daughter because she is a part of me, but I do not like her. Sometimes I think I hate her. I hate my partner too. I want him to leave me. I want to be alone and not do this for the rest of my life. I am sore and tired and I miss how everything was. I don't feel anything for my daughter.I love it when she sleeps so I can just be alone. I hate it when she wakes up. I mean, I like that she wakes because I love her, but then when she does wake up she just cries so much. Nothing I do makes her stop. She just cries, cries cries and no one understands...
I got up with her this morning and just felt awful. I didn't want to touch her. I'm almost a machine doing a mothers job. Pick her up, change her bottom, feed her milk, lay her in her moses basket and hope she sleeps so I can curl up on the sofa and wonder what is wrong with me? This morning though she wouldn't sleep again. My partner was in bed asleep, having a lay in. I couldn't take it anymore. I walked upstairs with her in my hands, whinging a little, prodded him, watched as he opened his eyes then thrust her into his arms and walked off. I declared I couldn't do it anymore.
I know everyone will hate me if I walk away from my child. Who could do such a thing? they would say. I want my partner to take her and himself and go back to his Mum where he can be happy and she can be happy away from me...Her useless no good mother.
After I wrote that diary entry, dated when Lily-Mai was only 4 weeks old, I ran a hot shower and sat for about an hour on the floor. God knows what was running through my mind. Actually I do know. I was thinking, how do I escape? How do i end this now? Why am I here?
No one should feel like ever.
The day I was made to go to my GP was the most humiliating day of my life. It's the day I started to get better. Soon the dark thoughts faded, I could make my little girl smile. I could embrace her the way I longed to.
I didn't fully bond with Lily-Mai until she was just over a year old:
It's my daughters first birthday tomorrow. I don't even want to get out of bed. What kind of a mother am I? I don't care about the cake, the balloons I honestly don't. Why would I? God I can't believe i'm writing this but it's how I feel. If I can't write it here then where the hell else is there to go? She doesn't even like me. She doesn't want me, only wants her Dad or anyone who isn't me..what's the point?
The next morning I got up with a smile on my face. We went to Newquey Aquarium and had a wonderful day and when we came home from our outing we had a buffet tea, took lots of pictures sang Happy Birthday and ate cake (which I managed to make!)
With PND much like any other depression you must, must MUST take each day as it comes. One day you feel like you're the most lonely and useless person alive. The next you could feel even just a little better. Before you know it, you can be happy again.
I love my daughter. She's my best friend. Because of PND I hated her. I cried when she cried. I was scared of her cries. I felt she never slept and couldn't stand me. It's an awful feeling looking at the beautiful, peaceful little being you have just brought into the world but feel nothing but dread when they stir. Feel completely on edge when they move just a tiny bit.