Friday, 25 November 2011

Post Natal Depression-The Day I Lost My Mind

I have been inspired (and almost reduced to tears) reading Mammasauraus's blog tonight about her very open and honest struggle with Post Natal Depression (PND) I knew I wanted to help and thought that by writing my own story, as well as following the suggestions on said blog and posting those same suggestions for my readers to see then maybe I can do something after all.


If there is anyone reading this who is suffering from PND, who thinks they may be or even has just got help for this awful illness then please know this: It does get better.


'I can't take any more. I just keep crying. I want to close my eyes and sleep forever.I love my daughter because she is a part of me, but I do not like her. Sometimes I think I hate her. I hate my partner too. I want him to leave me. I want to be alone and not do this for the rest of my life. I am sore and tired and I miss how everything was. I don't feel anything for my daughter.I love  it when she sleeps so I can just be alone. I hate it when she wakes up. I mean, I like that she wakes because I love her, but then when she does wake up she just cries so much. Nothing I do makes her stop. She just cries, cries cries and no one understands...
I got up with her this morning and just felt awful. I didn't want to touch her. I'm almost a machine doing a mothers job. Pick her up, change her bottom, feed her milk, lay her in her moses basket and hope she sleeps so I can curl up on the sofa and wonder what is wrong with me? This morning though she wouldn't sleep again. My partner was in bed asleep, having a lay in. I couldn't take it anymore. I walked upstairs with her in my hands, whinging a little, prodded him, watched as he opened his eyes then thrust her into his arms and walked off. I declared I couldn't do it anymore.
I know everyone will hate me if I walk away from my child. Who could do such a thing? they would say. I want my partner to take her and himself and go back to his Mum where he can be happy and she can be happy away from me...Her useless no good mother.


After I wrote that diary entry, dated when Lily-Mai was only 4 weeks old, I ran a hot shower and sat for about an hour on the floor. God knows what was running through my mind. Actually I do know. I was thinking, how do I escape? How do i end this now? Why am I here?
No one should feel like ever.
The day I was made to go to my GP was the most humiliating day of my life. It's the day I started to get better. Soon the dark thoughts faded, I could make my little girl smile. I could embrace her the way I longed to. 
I didn't fully bond with Lily-Mai until she was just over a year old:
17.jan.2009
It's my daughters first birthday tomorrow. I don't even want to get out of bed. What kind of  a mother am I? I don't care about the cake, the balloons I honestly don't. Why would I? God I can't believe i'm writing this but it's how I feel. If I can't write it here then where the hell else is there to go? She doesn't even like me. She doesn't want me, only wants her Dad or anyone who isn't me..what's the point?


The next morning I got up with a smile on my face. We went to Newquey Aquarium and had a wonderful day and when we came home from our outing we had a buffet tea, took lots of pictures sang Happy Birthday and ate cake (which I managed to make!) 
With PND much like any other depression you must, must MUST take each day as it comes. One day you feel like you're the most lonely and useless person alive. The next you could feel even just a little better. Before you know it, you can be happy again.


I love my daughter. She's my best friend. Because of PND I hated her. I cried when she cried. I was scared of her cries. I felt she never slept and couldn't stand me. It's an awful feeling looking at the beautiful, peaceful little being you have just brought into the world but feel nothing but dread when they stir. Feel completely on edge when they move just a tiny bit. 



As part of this post I’d really love it if you could take the time to look at something. Something another mother is doing to help people like me, like her and so many others who have suffered or are suffering from PND. 
PND isn't a one size fits all. People will have all kinds of signs that they may be suffering from the illness. The important thing to remember is that if you don't feel right, in other words you know your thoughts are not right, you know you should not be feeling this way, but you can't help it then you need to seek some comfort and support from someone else.It's the hardest part believe me, but once you're there the only way is up.
This mum needs your support and help, her blog is Boo and Me and she is raising money for this charity which was set up following the death of a mother when her baby was only 10 weeks old due to Post Natal Depression. Tickets for this raffle cost £1 and 100% of the money raised goes to the charity.
Please visit:
This is something I and many other feel strongly about. It really is an important issue. Thank-you.
Hannah


11 comments:

  1. This is SUCH a brilliant post. I can relate so much to how you felt. Reading it has made me cry but it's also given me hope that one day I wont feel like this any more.
    Thank you for having the courage to share and the want to help.
    Would you link this post up on my blog? http://booandme.co.uk/2011/11/25/an-amazing-thing/ Lots of people are sharing their experiences and I would love to get them all together for people to see.
    Thank you again x

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  2. Thank you so much for writing this, it means so much. It's such a wonderful thing when women who feel or have felt this way come together- no matter who you are or your personal cirumstances, how much money you have or success in life it's a common struggle - and a bond between us.

    Yes it's crap but it unites us too.

    I'm so glad you have written this and stood up to PND, and yes you made me cry too xxx

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  3. Me again - just to say I hope you dont mind but I have linked up your post on Boo and Me's linky list x

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  4. Thank you so much for writing this, it means so much. It's such a wonderful thing when women who feel or have felt this way come together- no matter who you are or your personal cirumstances, how much money you have or success in life it's a common struggle - and a bond between us.

    Yes it's crap but it unites us too.

    I'm so glad you have written this and stood up to PND, and yes you made me cry too xxx

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  5. Thank you for giving me my voice. I have wanted to talk about this a long time before now and I feel like a massive weight has been lifted now! It's amazing.
    Thanks Mammasaurus for linking up for me very grateful! Boo and Me, you are doing something wonderful and I wish you all the best Hannah xx

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  6. Thank you from me the 3 of you. Reading first mamasaurus post, then Booandme, and now yours has made me realise some things. I recognise myself sooo much in all your stories. This morning I visited my GP (initially for something else) and she agrees with me. It is so helpful to read this and share thoughts.
    A question, did you ever consider medication? My GP recommended antidepressants but I am not sure. Initially started on StJohnsworth now.
    I feel like a weight has lifted as well for acknowledging this and talking to people about is. Thank you all!

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  7. Hi Karen hope you come back and see this, I wasnt sure where to contact you to. I did consider medication and should have mentioned this, I am still on antidepressents but this is for my more recent anxiety, when I was diagnosed with PND I had Citolopram which was very effective and is the one I am on now after I had 2 years not needing it. If you ever feel the need to decide to try medication don't be afriad to discuss with your GP, well done and hugs to you :-) x

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  8. Thanks Cupcakemama. I have discussed it, but am still thinking about it. Will do some more research first.
    Reading your and other blogs has been a great help, thanks!

    PS if you click on my name above you can see my profile and link through to my website. There you can contact me...

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  9. Thank you for posting this - reading this and the other entries on the linky is gave the the guts to post my own x

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  10. I'm supposed to be writing a post, but find myself weeping at yours instead! So much of what you went through sounds familiar. My son is now 2 and I am definitely much 'better', although that black dog does keep trying to nip at my ankles...so, yes, I totally agree, talk about it, shout about it, cry about it, but don't let it sit and erode you away....there is no shame at all in PND...and it DOES get better. Am signing that petition right now.
    X andPNDmakesthree.com

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    1. Thank you for reading, although im sorry it made you cry! Im glad that you can relate to my post though because even when i read it back I feel awful, like no other mother can feel that way but i know i am wrong, and more and more women are feeling like this without speaking up.
      Thanks for signing the petition and I hope you are well xx

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