Did I Raise Him This Way?

There comes a time when you sit down and you look at things going on in your life. You think 'how did this happen?' 'How did things get so bad?

For more than 2 years now my youngest son, A, has been a real tough egg. His behaviour was truly not great prior to meeting Mr K, I can see that now but it really came out and has really worried me more recently. Whilst physically he has changed with his aggression, his fighting his siblings and we have had no further incidents of him being aggressive and hurting his step dad, we still have so much to deal with.

I constantly wonder what's wrong with him. He tells everybody he's fine. He's happy. He doesn't want to live anywhere else or be anywhere else. He likes school, has some friends he likes, loves his room, his bed, his space there are lots of things.

He tells me he thinks in his head he can control me. And that he feels he can control other members of the family such as my mum and my sister. He has admitted to doing things like purposely wetting the bed at night for months just to have a chat with me at night. This we tackled and it stopped almost instantly. There was me sitting in the doctors office asking for a referral, which I got, to the local urology unit at the hospital. Then one day A said all of the above to me and Martyn and I couldn't believe it. Who would? I told him I no longer would come in if that was the case, I was so disappointed and upset that he thought he could do that. Mostly I expected him to be making it all up and we would still continue with wet bedding every night more than once...

But the bed wetting stopped. But then there was the bedtime tantrums, the noises at night that I thought were his nightmares. I know nightmares but for some reason I didn't distinguish the two? Why? In case you're wondering, since he's admitted to these further things too he has slept through perfectly fine until his 6am alarm goes off for over a month now.

All the times I've let him get away things. All the lack of discipline. All the times I picked him up when I should have been tougher. All those times of letting him have a tablet until 11pm because I was scared of those tantrums. They were not sensory processing disorder. They were tantrums! And I allowed them!

So I've been searching and wondering for so long if there is something medically wrong with my son. And I see that while he needs help, help that is taking forever to come to us, help for attachment issues, maybe anxiety but I doubt little else, I have to admit that I made some giant f*** ups in his 8 years so far.

I am part of the reason he is spoiled. Part of the reason he does not respect me, or his step dad or very few others. He has become spoiled, selfish, unkind and often spiteful and the boy that people tell me about at church group, on family days out with extended family, in school and clubs, it's like they're talking about a different child. I know now I'm not the only one. Both sides of his family have over indulged him at some point and still do. They have not thought twice about some behaviours or not had the courage to take me to one side. My ex husband did once and I know I bit his head off. Mostly, they don't believe us because it sounds so unnatural what A says to us.

I won't take whole responsibility but considering we pretty much spent every moment together for the first 5 years of his life I think it's fair to say I had the predominant input and say here.

So the shameful and regretful answer to this question...

Did I raise him this way?   Probably.

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