Leaving 2018 Behind...Sort Of.

2018 it's fair to say was a totally rubbish year. Did good things happen? Of course they did. But if 2018 was a person I'd also want to punch it in the face.

We have had such a difficult year coming together as a blended family. I wrote about it (albeit in a nut shell) a little while ago. It has been difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel some times and for both of us too. I cannot go into this year thinking that everything is all of a sudden better. It really isn't all 'New year, new start' or whatever other saying we have as we come into the new year.

2018 gave us some serious lows. There were moments I wasn't sure if we would make it after coming so far. And we really have come far. Martyn and I have managed to make a long distance relationship work for a year despite living that 6 hours a part, despite dependant personality disorder, depression, my separation drama and much more. I handed in notice on my rented property, pulled my children out of school and moved those 6 hours away leaving behind my closest family to be with the one I love and his children. And I spent a good few moments last year wondering why? What for? A isn't happy, he was very aggressive last year and he is struggling to separate from me. Struggling to deal with the fact I have a partner because his Dad well, he wasn't close to his Dad. He didn't do much with him, he was always with me. Sitting with me, eating with me, helping me, me helping him, co sleeping with me. We have a mother and son bond that is incredibly strong but hasn't moved on; mostly my fault. I used my son for comfort when I had nothing else a lot of the time and failed to see how damaging this could be. So last year we dealt with the fall out of that.

Of course we are still dealing with the fall out. The anger and emotions. I struggle with my feelings too. Martyn struggles being his target whilst also loving him at the same time as I do. We both struggle with a social worker determined to use Martyns' past against him. Twisting facts and giving his opinions in a very damaging way. 

So really we can't leave 2018 behind. It has to come with us into 2019. But we can change how we deal with it. I won't always be able to hold my faith no matter how hard I try. I won't always want to get up in the morning but I can take steps to improve how I think and feel about things.

One of the first tweets I sent this year was to say how I was only taking this year one day at a time. Already I am struggling with this because as an anxiety sufferer all you do is worry and think ahead! The what ifs and dread of all these social interactions just fill your head, drowning you. 

I truly hope this year we come together more as a family. That we learn to help each of us individually. I love all my children. All 4 of them. I love Martyn and truly believe we have a family that can work just as well as any other family. We all have problems and hardships within families but for once, I'd love it to be something as simple as 'He's in my room!!' 'Don't look at me!' You know the rest!

I wish all my lovely readers a truly wonderful new year. I know so many of you are also taking a lot of 2018 into this year with you because you still have things to do and people to fight. People you love are unwell and that doesn't get cured by the clock striking midnight on January 1st. I pray you all have a good year and that in those dark moments you try to take one day at a time. Just like us.

Hannah