I've been a little quiet lately. A part from catching up every week with our goings on I've not really put much else out there. It's okay, I'm not worried about the lack of blog posts going up, I stopped being one of *those* bloggers a long time ago. I have missed blogging though. The truth is I haven't been feeling myself. I haven't wanted to do much at all, especially the things that I enjoy.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, I've been depressed and this, at least for me, isn't that. Nothing bad has happened, we are all well. Well, I'm a little unwell but I have to wait 2 weeks to see my doctor and even then it's probably nothing. I'm not even unwell actually, just a niggling thing that is worrying me so I want to have my mind put at rest which is no bad thing.
I'm just a little low. I've adjusted to A being in school now and he's idoing well. Midge hasn't changed at all, she hasn't suddenly become miss independent, she still very much needs me. I'm used to being on my own a lot more and it's okay. The days go really fast still though, I find that weird. What I'm actually doing is not facing my problems. For whatever reason I am shutting myself away and not dealing with anything.
I'm not dealing with my weight gain despite feeling like a big pile of yuck. Sure you look at me in the street and you'd say "you're tiny you've got nothing to worry about!" (Don't say that to me, I really won't like you very much) but underneath I just feel yuck. I don't feel attractive, yet here I am in the afternoon writing this, thinking this and not exercising, not doing anything remotely good in the direction of helping myself. I'm unfit, I'm not particularly healthy and really need to sort myself out.
Secondly I've come to that point that I know people wonder what the heck I do all day. The answer? Not a lot. I get to keep on top of the housework like every other parent, I get to de clutter, then I sit on my bum or run a few errands. Am I bored? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I should take advantage of this time, I'll be working one day and I won't have all this free time. The house will be hard to keep with, the out going mail will be piled up, the day will fly by and I just won't be so free, so why not be a bit lazy! Why not enjoy this luxury for a little while? Sod what everyone else thinks.
I do want to do *something* though. I've decided I need to see if some form of therapy, such as CBT will help me overcome my blushing fears and anxiety. Anxiety wise I am not the same person I was a few years ago. I am more confident but when it comes to meeting up with people, or even the thought of volunteering, being interviewed, having to work it's too much. It's overwhelming and hard to explain and I need to deal with it because I can't keep up anymore. I have missed so much because of blushing and you can't avoid work forever, I wouldn't want to. I am hard working, loyal, a good person, I have strengths and weaknesses. I may have no experiences other than personal ones but that's okay. It's why I need to volunteer though, I want to get confident and I want to learn. I want to have a routine and be appreciated. May be that last one is a bit far fetched, I wonder how many people actually feel appreciated in their job!?
Anyway, that's why I've been quiet. Things 'upstairs' have been busy, pre occupied and lost. I know I have the answers, I know I need to fix things myself and it's my job to do that. I'll let you know how I get on (when I eventually get out from my sons Thomas duvet on the sofa)
*this post has been added to my mental health page here*