I think I've been off my medication for over 2 months now. Wow that went fast. I've had a panic attack, I've gone to Bath with my daughter dealing with a lot of high anxiety type stuff (for me) lots of people, catching trains on time, having the right tickets, being on the right train, navigating stations but I've done it. I took my pills away with me incase I got so badly anxious away from home I could chuck one a day and then go back off them when I returned..I am aware of that poor thinking but I must point out I went with the flow. I didn't need those tablets and I haven't needed them since.
However, over the last couple days I have reached my first real challenge. I feel lonely, frustrated, tired and fed up. I've had a long week of sickness bugs (including myself) which left me physically shattered for far longer than anyone else (always the way! I rarely get ill so when I do I find it takes me a little longer to get back to normal running) my mind is overrun with appointments to keep and make regarding Little A and the school chuck more items to add to my calendar. My family are away this weekend but because we have a choice between saving for Christmas and summer holiday activities (by that I don't mean holidays I literally mean little days out and activities) we couldn't afford to go. It stings a little but it's only because I know how beautiful, peaceful and warming it is up there.
You get things happen that are a big deal and then you get these things that are nothing major but they weigh you down. I have some other things going on of course, I'm at this point where I want to change things, where my excessive blushing and fear of doing so has caused so much pain and damage to me psychologically and socially that I want to fight back. I guess as much as I want to it scares the hell out of me and I've found myself in a rather dark place over the last week or so. The theory is to not care anymore, but that's just not easy in practice. I think next week I will see if I can get some therapy for social anxiety with a target on the blushing and erythrophobia (fear of going red) or maybe I'll grow a pair by Monday and start kicking ass anyway!
I'm going to link to my past posts as this is very much part of my Lowering the Dose journey. It's the first real low mood I've had and it's challenging but I know I can overcome it, after all, I brought a spade this time, I can see the light already...