Monday, 5 December 2011

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I'm in a funny place today. I've been thinking about weddings. Yup weddings. It was when my Other Halve's sister got married that I watched her coming down the aisle, meeting her groom with tears in her eyes and everyone thinking she looked beautiful that I thought 'I want that.'At the time Other Half didn't want that really even though he had proposed a fair while ago, before his sister was engaged any how. He has this irrational fear of marrying me and then dooming our relationship to divorce.
Anyway, earlier this year we finally had a long and drawn out discussion. I have a real idea in mind of how I want it all to look, to be like, to feel like and all the rest. I don't know if I know the reality is that the time will hit us so fast, I'll blink and before I know it I'll be the one linking arms with my Dad and walking slowly down that aisle towards my groom.

Maybe it's nervousness? Anxiety about the whole thing? Do all men make you feel like you're pushing them into the whole thing or is it just mine!? 
Of course we'll get married. We love each other, we have 2 beautiful children we don't really have any more plans for our future other than to be happy and live together for as long as we are blessed to be. That's all you need really isn't it? Sure if we end up having our own home that would be wonderful, and adding another addition while that is not in my plan for a very long time if at all I'm sure we would welcome another if it happened in the future.

Sometimes I sit there though and I think about Other Halves feelings before he agreed to all this. He loves me and wants me as his wife but he is also of the mind that marriage is a piece of paper and he feels, as I said above that it may just 'curse' us. How very cheerful of him. I personally feel this is just nerves and maybe feelings from his own experiences with friends and family. However, you can't help but feel your marriage has been written off before even exchanging those vows and sometimes you can't help but think 'maybe he's right?' Do we need this? Is it just paper? After all I changed my name long ago, something no one was shy to say was a 'stupid idea' not that I cared much, makes my life easier for a fact.

I'm starting to freak out already at all those eyes on me. Other Half can't think of a Best Man because he doesn't let anyone close enough to share anything with them. His closest friend turned out to be a total waste of space which was a great shame, that's a dead friendship and I think this fall out from a year ago has some what made the choice of picking a right hand man a bit bitter for him.
I've spent a fair bit of money already and bleated on about this that and the other when really inside I'm thinking, are we just doing this for you now? Is it because everyone knows we're getting married that we feel obliged to go ahead and do it? Surly if things went tits up it's nothing but a coincidence, for all we know we could separate in a few years and be unmarried so it makes little difference I believe.

I'm not entirely sure where this has all come from. Too much thinking most likely. I've had a lot on in recent months and thought of planning this wedding actually bores me to tears now..I thought the woman was meant to be all excited about this wedding planning malarkey but the truth is, when Other Half shows little interest in something I fall quickly in with him and become totally unmotivated. A big issue we're facing at the moment in this household is our lack of motivation and we have locked horns a good few times over recent weeks.
I'm aware this is a very deep post, a very unusually revealing post for me. I hope no one reads this and panics that we are no more or soon to be no more that is not the case rest assured! I think right now we're just in a comfy spot, too comfy, so comfy we're forgetting things that we really want. We're starting to become just 'Mum and Dad' again and loosing ourselves as individuals and a couple which puts great pressure on a relationship hence these thoughts and feelings I suppose.

For now I'll continue my budget wedding plans, involving friends and family as much as possible not only to relieve cost if I'm honest, to also cut down on hassle, worrying and the fact that I cannot be arsed! I've chosen my dress and my bridesmaids are sorted, that's the important bit for me...Although, if we don't pull some pennies out of our backsides soon there will be no wedding! Don't even get me started on Church costs...!

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